2013 In The Rear View Mirror

It is time to leave 2013 in the rear view mirror. To quote Charles Dickens "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times." I re-entered the dating world with a vengeance in 2013. I had dated before that but it was few and far between. This past year I dated quite a bit, some good and some bad. I had pieces of my heart broken off and shoved up my ass but I also dated a few nice women that just didn't work out, some by my choice but mostly by theirs. 2013 was more about the learning curve. I learned a lot about myself this past year, some things I liked and some things I did not like. The things I found I liked about myself I want to refine and accentuate, the things I did not like I want to change and make them a positive. While I was off for five weeks, I did a lot of reaching out to women I had dated this past year (and beyond) to try and make sure we could at least still be friends. Some of the women I realize do not want to have anything else to do with me and for that I am sorry but I wanted to make my peace with them and issue any apologies necessary. It is not that I necessarily want a second chance but it is important for me to extend the proverbial olive branch. They all brought something different and positive to the table and I do want to keep those positives available to me and with me because at one point and time, I was worthy of their attention.

Getting Perspective

I recently missed five weeks of work because of a bad back and the long "vacation" helped to give me a lot of time to think. I was able to gain some perspective on my life and think about which direction I was going and the mistakes I have made in my life. Evidently honesty is not a quality that women look for and would rather be lied to than to be told the truth. A few can handle the truth but most cannot. I do not know how Charlie Sheen and some of the other great sleazeballs in history pull it off. It must be the money, the fame and the power (and probably the good looks), none of which I seem to have. What little charm and charisma I possess is not getting me too far, but as the old saying goes, you have to race what you brought to the track. Maybe I should leave the honesty about my past at home.

A Christmas Story

Three weeks ago I was facing probably the most depressing Christmas ever. At that point and time, I was facing Christmas alone and I wasn't about to horn in on someone else's family Christmas just because I was going to be by myself. My family is functionally dysfunctional, but when you have been by yourself so long, being alone becomes the norm and accepted as a fact of life, holiday or not. My family always has our Christmas celebration a few days after Christmas so I did have that to look forward to. I was saved from the fate of being alone on Christmas by a good friend who has openly accepted my past. She has accepted me for the man that stands in front of her rather than who I used to be and that is very important to me. She has questions, of course, and I have tried to answer them as honestly and as best that I can. I do not know what will happen but she did save me from a Christmas fate that i was really dreading.

Under Assault

I recently "agreed" to co-author a blog on dating. We were going to provide a point/counter point dialogue on dating from a man and a woman's perspective. The only agreement that we had was that the points would not be "personal". It sounded like a good idea to me because we both share a passion for writing, we have vastly differing view points, and I thought it could be funny. Although my co-author did not mention my name, I thought one of her first blogs was a personal attack on me and it was in response to a blog I had written several months ago. If I respond, everyone who reads her blog is going to know it was me. When I pointed out that I thought her blog was personal, her response was basically "Why did you write what you did?" Was I stupid for writing what I did? There is no doubt in my mind. My point is that she violated an agreement we had by making a personal attack on me. I could retaliate but what purpose would that serve? I often fail to remember that when you put yourself out there in cyberspace, words can have a powerful impact, both negative and positive, even if only one person reads it.

The Walter Mitty Life

I went to see the Life of Walter Mitty on Christmas Day (I never knew that many people went to the movies on Christmas Day) and it was a pretty good movie. It was one of those movies that gave me pause for thought. Walter Mitty is King of the Day Dreamers in Literature and now on the Big Screen. What I took from the movie was that it was okay to day dream but at some point and time you have to take the plunge and try to make your dreams into reality. All Walter Mitty needed was a gentle nudge to go out and go after his dreams. That gentle nudge came in the form of a day dream about a woman that he wanted to go out with. In this day dream, she encouraged him to go make it happen. It would be nice if it was that simple but that nudge needs to start from within. It is great to have a supportive partner and someone who can keep you focused, but it all starts from within. Your dreams will never see reality unless you try and put everything you have in to it.

If You Can't Be With The One You Love

I heard the song the other day by Stephen Stills entitled "If You Can't Be With The One You Love Then Love The One You're With." There is a lot to be said for the title to that song. When we get married we never think or plan for it to end in divorce. We meet a lot of people along the way that we love or at least we think we love and then that falls apart and we are searching for true love again. I have been in too many "relationships" to count now and what I am really trying to guard against is comparing the current one to any of the past relationships I have had. I do not want to bring my damaged goods to the table and make them pay for the sins of my past partners. I have had to pay for the sins of some of their past partners and it cost me (and them) any hope of a relationship. Many people believe that you run across more than one "true love" in your life but somehow those scenarios don't play out into a lifetime of love. I watched the movie Love Actually the other night and it had many different scenarios that played out. Some ended well and some didn't. I guess that describes realtionships in a nut shell. I think we all have a "lost love" that we have never reconnected with. That is why I believe in if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with.

Why? Part II

I had written a blog a couple of months ago entitled "Why?". The theme of that post was why couldn't I find a woman who would happily send me to a strip club after a hard week of work. Now if I could find that buried treasure (maybe a stripper named Treasure?) and combine that with a woman who loved watching the Seattle Seahawks as much as I do, screamed, yelled and cussed at the TV every time they showed Jim Harbaugh's ugly, whiny face; loved watching North Carolina Tarheels sports as much as I do (I like the Washington Huskies too) and yelled and cussed at the TV whenever they show Coach K's whiny, ferret face, and bemoaned every Tarheels missed Free Throw (which has been more than I care to count this season); and took up an interest in the LA Dodgers and the NHL; and wouldn't mind dropping in on Boone, NC once in a while to catch an Appalachian State Mountaineers football game. Combine that with the first version and I might have found the perfect woman. Dr. Frankenstein will have to work over time building this woman.

I Need To Do What I Need To Do

It seems like I have the lived the majority of my life worried about the needs of others and putting others first. I have come to the point and time in my life that I need to do whatever it is necessary to make myself happy. This Saturday is my 48th birthday and I hope I have the opportunity to go celebrate with my friends in whatever manner I choose to do so whether it be massage parlors, strip clubs, Hooter's, Bikini's, or Twin Peeks or even all of the above. I was watching NCIS last night and one of the lines delivered near the end of the show was "everyone deserves to be happy." Even me. When you have major decisions to make in your life it seems like everyone has advice to give to you. I don't mind the advice and I do appreciate it, but I have to weed out the advice that is self-serving and that which is helpful and has my best interests in mind. I need to have my best interests in mind. The women that have become attached to me whether it be friendship or otherwise, have all chipped in. It seems that all of my female friends want me to stick around because they always know I am there for them if they need me. I enjoy helping people but I am at the point now to where I cannot sacrifice what i want to do for the sake of friendships. If I do become involved in a realtionship, and it is meant to be, we will figure something out. Long distance relationships are hard.

"I Have Known Him Longer"

I have had several women that I have gone out with use the "I have known him longer" as a reason to go back to someone they have dated or to go out with someone else. I have never really understood that. Because they have known the other person longer that makes some kind of difference? That makes the other person some how a more qualified candidate than me? I hate to break this to them but if he was a schmuck then, I doubt very seriously if he has changed any. I really want to let them in on another fact. You were in the relationship and he wasn't. He was only in it because he could play you like a fiddle. Since they have known the other person longer, they should know that. I have found that when it comes to dating, men and women can delude themselves into believing anything. I know I am guilty of that.

Online Dating

I must admit that online dating is the easiest way to meet women. You don't even have to come up with a good pick up line. I never was that good with those anyway. There are a lot of free dating websites out there and there are some unscrupulous ones that charge a fee every month and most of those are a scam. All that you see on those are the smoking hot, model-types that you would not expect to see on there. Where are the average looking women with "a few extra pounds"? There are some legitimate pay sites and I guess it is cheaper than paying a bar tab every weekend and getting nothing to show for that either. I can suffer rejection and be scorned from the safety of my own living room while drinking my own alcohol and I won't even have to worry about driving home. There are a lot of men that use those sites for a quick hook up but in defense of guys everywhere, there are some women that do the same thing. I have met some very nice women on some of these websites and I have also met my share of Psychos. Anybody can fill out a profile and put whatever they want. Honesty is only an option. Unfortunately, it is one that quite a few of the people view as the last option. I don't have a ton of money or a great and powerful job and I don't look like George Clooney (he is about my age) so I have to hope my honesty will win over a heart or two. I really kind of "over nerded" my profile so I go back and change it every once in a while, but I am who I am. I always reference the movie The Revenge of the Nerds. The only thing I don't have is the pocket protector and that horrible laugh.

It's Always About The Story

I have been reading a lot about writing here lately and I have come to the conclusion that is is always about the story. Everything is a story, there is a story behind everything, and everyone has a story no matter how wild or how boring. There is a story with everything. I have wanted to be a writer since i was 8 or 9 years old and now at 48, I am just getting around to attempting to do it for money. The money is not even that important although a few hundred thousand coming in would be very nice. I am learning on the fly. Right now I feel like I am crashing and burning faster than the Hindenberg but everyone has to start somewhere. That is why I write so many different blogs. I need the practice. I need to see what works and what doesn't. Picking a suitable pen name will be very key as well because The Journey To The Abyss will not need to be read by my female friends.

Russell Wilson

I took this lady I was dating to see Russell Wilson play Second Base for the Asheville Tourists early in the summer of 2011. I explained to her who he was (at that time he was in between playing Quarterback for the North Carolina State Wolfpack and the University of Wisconsin. He left Asheville in mid summer to play for Wisconsin.) She had no clue who he was and quite frankly, really did not care. I could tell he was a superior athlete because he moved so fluidly in the field around second base (he made a great diving stop at the edge of the outfiled grass and threw the guy out). The weakest part of his game was his batting. He was only batting about .220 when he left the team but you could tell he had a very compact swing and the potential was definitely there. After a record setting season at Wisconsin the Seattle Seahawks drafted him in the third round. I thought General Manager John Schneider and Head Coach Pete Carroll had wasted a draft pick. As the preseason wore on, it became clear that Russell Wilson might be named the starter. This lady and I were still dating and she wanted to buy me a Seahawks jersey. I requested Matt Flynn's #15 and after a couple of months of waiting, I finally had to "settle" for a Russell Wilson #3 jersey. The guy told my girlfriend over the phone that the Flynn jersey was back ordered for about 6 months and would I accept the Wilson jersey. I reluctantly agreed and that turned out to be the trade of the century in the jersey world. What GM on the planet would not trade Matt Flynn for Russell Wilson?

The Seattle Seahawks

To hell with dating again, my Seattle Seahawks are 12-2. Before I catch any grief, they were "my" Seattle Seahawks from the first exhibition game of their inaugural season through their 2-14 debacle under Tom Flores and through the Ken Behring years and on through the Super Bowl team of 2005 and "Referee Gate". They beat the New York Giants today 23-0 and intercepted Eli Manning five times. This years Seahawks do not win with flash even though they are known throughout the league for talking a good game. They are just rock solid on offense and defense. They win because they are solid in all three phases of the game-offense, defense, and special teams. Cornerback Richard Sherman is the voice of the defense and Safety Earl Thomas has garnered talk of Defensive MVP honors. They don't have anyone on the Defensive line that is near the league lead in sacks or any other category but they know have to get after the Quarterback. Russell Wilson is the Captain of the Offense and when Marshawn Lynch, is in full "Beast Mode", all the Seahawks have to do is put it in cruise mode. They won't have any 1,000 yard receivers and Russell Wilson will barely have 3,000 yards (Marshawn lynch already has 1,000 yards rushing) but they just win. Securing homefield throughout the playoffs is an important step on the road to the Super Bowl. If I could find a woman that is a Seahawks fan, life would be close to perfect.

The Shawshank Redemption

The Shawshank Redemption has always been one of my favorite movies. It is also based on a book by Stephen King. It is a classic tale of a man getting screwed over by pretty much everyone in his life and ended up in prison because of it. He gets a certain amount of redemption and revenge on those who did him in and sailed off into the sunset with a pocketful of money. I am not a revenge minded person and revenge really serves no purpose in my life. My redemption would come in the form of being much better than think I am and "upgrading" to complete and total happiness and contentment. My happiness and contentment does not involve making tons of money but it lies more in being able to do what I want to do rather than just go through the motions everyday for the rest of my life. My redemption is on the horizon.

Moving Forward

My limited readership wants positive so hear is some positive. My 48th birthday is December 21st. I am going to go to Charlotte and have the time of my life. I have a couple of meetings set up that will hopefully advance my career or springboard me into a new one, one that I actually enjoy, I can contribute to, and I can make the difference I want to make. I have always wanted to entertain people whether it be making them laugh, writing them a story, or whatever it is I have to do to make them feel better about themselves. There are times I wish people would do that for me but I am pretty self sustaining when it comes to amusing myself. All of this time i have had off has given me too much time to think and I need to pour my energy into something productive. I need to reassess who I am and where I am at and more importantly where I am going. It can only be agood thing and a much brighter future ahead for me.

The Dark Side

I have once again been "scolded" because some of the "darker" posts that I have made. I am sorry but that is real life. Not every day is great day. There are some days that you will have issues. These issues will be worked through. Sometimes life throws you a curveball and sometimes you swing and miss badly (the old timers call it the "jelly leg") because you don't always hit a hanger out of the park. There are also days/times when you need to collect your thought and get yourself together before you can even begin to talk about everything going on. I just need a few days.

Sometimes You Can't Fight Genetics

There are certain things you can't fight in life and genetics happens to be one of them. The genetic anomalies are starting to mount up for me and it has taken me a few days to process the meaning of all of this. I realize a good attitude is a major part of it but sometimes when you fight and you fight and you fight, there comes a day when you just want to throw in the towel and not get back up. It is a TKO and the fight is over. It was a very one-sided one at that.

Man With Cats

There was a group back in the the early 1980's called Men Without Hats that sang a song called "The Safety Dance." It was a reactionary song to the punk rock clubs in England where the punk rock fad had taken over and "slam dancing" was en vogue. The first line of the song went something like "You can dance if you want to but you can leave your friends behind" and I can only assume they were imploring their listeners to dance without turning it into a Rugby scrum or a free-for-all. My post-apocalyptic view of the relationship-free world has me acquiring many cats so I can face old age with some furry friends (of course this is post-Molly as well. She is not a big fan of cats). I was talking with a female friend the other night and she told me she was "done with relationships." That made me feel kind of bad because I was the last relationship she had two years ago but now I can see where she is coming from. The extreme disappointment is just not worth the effort. My mantra is quickly becoming "it is better to be alone than to wish you were alone."

It's Not Easy Bein' Me

I borrowed this headline from comedian Rodney Dangerfield. These words have never been truer in my life than they are right now. I have a past. We all do. I have changed. Not all people can say that. I also consider myself a Renaissance Man. I like to think I am intelligent, well read, a good sense of humor, and a genuine nice guy, and I am not bad looking of looks are what matter to you. I have great compassion for my fellow man as well as animals and I try to treat everyone like I would want to be treated. I think I pull that off reasonably well enough. With all of that going for me, why am I sitting here by myself tonight? Dating at my age is hard and I honestly did not realize it was this hard. Maybe I should send in a question to "Ax Ike" on the John Boy and Billy Show. I have gone out with enough women in the past couple of years to fill up the local psych ward at the hospital. These women cannot blame that on me because they were that way long before I met them. Then I see nice women, beautiful women, women that have a lot going for them, chasing these dumbasses all over the place that lie to them, use them, and play enough games with them to last three lifetimes. Yet these women will chase these clowns to the end of the earth. I could quote enough song lyrics to fill the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame as far as this subject goes and why not? I am going to be sitting here by myself.

Married To My Work

If I was a writer, I would love to be able to say I am married to my work because at least that would be something resembling a relationship. I guess you could say I am married to my potential of my work because my actual job just pays the bills. My "best" seller, The Journey To The Abyss, needs to hit it big soon but I guess one key component to that would be I need to finish it first. I am about to go through the editing process one more time and i have thought of so many more things I can add to it. It needs to be as good as I can make it- philosophical, funny, too good to be true, and you have got to be kidding me- all rolled into one finely tuned story that really has no end.

On Writing

I am reading an interesting book that has sat on my shelf for about 10 or 12 years and has remained untouched for that length of time. It is Stephen King's On Writing. I have enjoyed the majority of his work over the years but most everyone always seems to want to know how someone who is successful at his craft does it. I compare it to me writing my history papers in college. I wrote them, my professors approved of them, I made A's on most all of them, but what worked for me may not work for someone else. Stephen King is a well read individual, spouting off authors I have never even heard of, but what works for him may not work for me. For one thing, fiction is hard to write. I have tried. You have to have the ability to create much along the lines of Dr. Frankenstein. You have to be able to create people and towns and families and stories that keep them all intertwined and all coming to a shocking conclusion. My book that I am working on, The Journey To The Abyss is part fiction and mostly reality but if anybody does read it, I am going to leave it up to them to figure out which is which. It is kind of like Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and part 50 Shades of Grey. A great storyteller always embellishes the truth just a little. These characters created themselves.

Making Peace With My Past

I promised someone a couple of weeks ago that I was trying to make peace with my past. I feel like I am well on the way to doing that. I have to be able to forgive myself first because I have wrestled with a guilty conscience for years and years. I have been trying to track people down (the internet does make that much easier but also a little bit scary) and you never know what reaction you are going to get. Most of these people and to be honest, all of them are women, are not as mad at me as I thought. That guilt was largely a product of my imagination but i still felt the incredible need to try and make things right. I guess I needed to make things right to help ease my conscience We had some good long talks, some productive talks, but I did not want or expect anything from these talks. I do not want to go out with them again (that was also an understanding) and I was as honest with them as I possibly could be. Whenever I started making phone calls and sending e-mails, I honestly did not know what kind of response I would recieve. I realized i ran the risk of being yelled at, hung up on, or not getting a reply to any of my e-mails. So far, none of that has happened. I would like to feel that I am doing all of this for the right reasons. I am not doing it to make myself feel better, I am doing it as an "atonement for my sins" as one lady put it but I don't think that is it either. I am doing this to right a wrong whether it was real or imagined. In the process i have had some excellent conversations. Now I face the scariest one of them all. I am sending an e-mail to someone I have only seen once in 26 years and that was only from a distance.

Cleaning Out

Yesterday I undertook the task of cleaning out my closets and getting rid of some old clothes, stuff I never wear any more, and it being the Christmas season, I wanted to donate my clothes to the Salvation Army or some other organization like that. I came upon this pair of sleep pants that brought back a lot of memories but not what you are probably thinking. I was working at a store in the 'Hood in Charlotte. I was normally in charge inside the store itself but on the coldest day in Charlotte's history, my bosses decided to send me to the warehouse on the far side of town. The high for the day was supposed to be 12 degrees, the warehouse had no heat, and I was not dressed for the occasion. Sending me to the warehouse also put me in charge of a crew of 15 gangbangers, the largest and scariest of which was a young woman who look like she played Linebacker for the Carolina Panthers. As soon as I found out I had to go to the warehouse I went running through the store trying to grab as much warm weather gear as I could find which wasn't much. The only pair of sweats/sleep pants I could find were red plaid with silhouettes of polar bears and snowflakes. It is hard to look authoritative when you are wearing snowflake/polar bear sleep pants and put in charge of the Boyz n' the Hood. All I needed was some bunny slippers and my outfit would have been complete. I caught all sorts of hell, I am glad I did not get mugged or beaten up for my lunch money, and I survived the day with my snowflake/polar bear pants intact. I have kept them all these years and can't bring myself to give them away.

It Must Be Someone Else

I have not told many people this and since I don't think anyone that knows me reads this blog so I will go ahead and say that I have been diagnosed with what they call early onset Parkinson's Disease. I am about to turn 48 years old and those words were a little tough to hear, but I did not feel any different at the time. Now I have started noticing differences. It is a slowly progressive (although some cases progress much faster than others) neurological condition that is ultimately fatal. We are talking ten or twenty years and maybe more down the road. I was told about this condition about a year ago and I had only begun to notice symptoms then. The symptoms have occurred much more frequently over the past couple of months but I have been able to keep a lid on it and no one has really noticed. There was once incident when I was trying to eat a small bag of M & M's out of the snack food machine at work and I had a bad spasm and I threw my M & M's all over the floor. Everyone that was present laughed, I was a little embarrassed but I laughed it off, no one got hurt by the flying M & M's, and no one knows the real reason the candy went flying. I have done a lot of research on the subject and the Michael J. Fox Foundation has really pushed the condition to the forefront and campaigned for public awareness on the subject. A lot of people have described the condition as "a blessing" and I am working hard to look at it that way as well. A blessing can only be a positive thing and life is what you make of it. I need this to be a positive.

Nostalgia Rules The Day

I was watching an old episode of Spin City with Micheal J. Fox this morning and this particular episode had his real life wife, Tracy Pollan, in it. That made me think of his first show Family Ties that Fox was in and that also had Tracy Pollan in it towards the end of the series run. The random thought patterns that rapidly run through my mind at warp speed and I thought of the old Billy Vera and the Beaters song that had a resurgence because of Family Ties when Michael J. Fox's character and Tracy Pollan's character broke up. The name of the song was

At This Moment

and I immediately went on you tube and looked it up. It is a really touching, poignant song and the lyrics that I focused on were

What did you think I would say at this moment when I'm faced with the knowledge that you just don't love me

. I must admit that I shed a few tears when i listened to that song all the way through. That might be why I hate love songs.

A Restless Soul

I have always described myself as a restless soul. As an adult, I have always had to be on the move, never really fitting in wherever I have been, always planning my next move, always thinking it is going to be better somewhere else, always believing that the next place I ended up was going to be my final stop, it was going to be "home." Even growing up, the only place I felt comfortable was on a basketball court or on a baseball field or in the classroom. I knew where I was supposed to be, what I needed to be doing, and I usually knew the answer. I felt really comfortable in college, like I really belonged, and in a lot of ways I was the life of the party. I fit in socially and in the classroom. I could be someone else, I did not have to be me. Now I am at the proverbial crossroads in my life. Changes need to be made and I feel like I am making the personal changes that need to be made to help me become a better and more complete person. I need to honor myself as well as others. I am trying to make peace with my past but also leave it in the rearview mirror. I want to be able to find an open, honest, trusting relationship that I feel like I belong in. I have never dealt with my emotions well but now it is time to face them head on and embrace them. I need to tell the people in my life whose love and friendship I value dearly that they are important to me and I would not be where I am without them. I have many big decisions facing me over the next several months but I want to be able to answer "why" I am making these decisions rather than just "because". My restless soul needs a permanent foundation.

The Ten Things

As promised I have started reading Mira Kirshenbaum's Everything Happens For A Reason. To her credit she does go right after it. Kirshenbaum believes that there are ten meanings of the events in our lives.
1. To help you feel at home in the world
2. To help you totally accept yourself
3. To show that you can let go of fear
4. To bring you to the place where you can feel forgiveness
5. To help you uncover your true hidden talent
6. To give you what you need to find true love
7. To help you become stronger
8. To help you discover the play in life
9. To show you how to live with a sense of mission
10. To help you become a truly good person

That is a lot to digest. Now I have to get to the concepts behind all of these reasons.

A Day Of Thought And Meditation

I always use Sunday mornings as a few hours to reflect and meditate. I don't know if it helps or not but it helps to give me perspective on the things that I have done over the course of the past week. I have studied different methods of meditation and the only thing I would change about the method that I chose is that I need to accentuate more of the positive. A friend of mine gave me a book the other day entitled Everything Happens For A Reason. The title itself tells me the author believes that there is some sort of divine reason that I keep getting kicked in the ass and taking the symbolic punch to the balls. If the author's theme happens to be that what is going on will help me build character and make me a stronger person, I am going to rip that book apart page by page, build a bonfire with most of it, and use the rest as toilet paper. I can't wait to read this book and I am assuming that my sarcasm and skepticism is understood. I promised my friend I would read this and I always try to keep my promises, especially to my friends. The only reason I could possibly accept is that I am taking this for all of my friends and loved ones so they don't have to. My friends are the most valuable things I have and I would suffer as much as possible so they would not have to. Other than that, the divine cosmic presence is having a big laugh at my expense. I am hoping the great Puppet Master in the sky gets bored real soon.

Breaking The Silence

I am breaking my self-imposed blogger silence to relate how I screwed up and would love to be able to fix it. A lot of times my words are the only way I can communicate effectively the point or points I am trying to get across. Like a lot of other bloggers out there, I have the mistaken tendency to believe that what I write is important, needs to be read, and my limited readership cannot wait until I post another blog of my insights into, in this case, relationships and dating. Texting is the worst thing that happened to me. Most of the time before I hit the send button on any deeply thought out text I think is the most important thing in the world designed to sooth my feelings and ego, I should open up my living room window and throw my cell phone as far as I can and I could used to throw a baseball 90 Miles Per Hour. It would do me and whoever is about to receive my message a world of good. I do put a lot of time, effort, and thought, into my blogs but that still does not make them meaningful. Life and death is meaningful. A mother getting a phone call from her son telling her he is being shipped out to Afghanistan is meaningful. It is a mother's worst nightmare. Whenever she informed me of this, it was like a gut punch to me so I can only imagine how she felt. I did not know this when I sent my ill-advised text and I quickly heard about it and I should have. Reality is a real kick in the ass and I could never apologize enough for thinking I was more important (and I have quickly realized I am not important at all) than a much bigger picture. I apologized for my selfishness but I cannot take back what I did and I can only hope I will eventually be forgiven. My political awareness is not on the scale of the mother's but I do know that political promises were made to pull our soldiers out of Afghanistan. I do know that a newly recruited 18 year old soldier being deployed is not a fair trade on anyone's scale. All I can do is request a Guardian Angel go with this young man and bring him home safely. The politics do matter because they have the ability to affect everyone that you know.

A Heavy Heart

This will be my last entry for a while but it is with a heavy heart that I have to say that my beautiful lady friend has decided she does not want to see me socially any more. While it would be easy to slam her out of hurt and anger, I cannot do that with her. She is beautiful, intelligent, has a great sense of humor, a greater sense of purpose, and a smile and a twinkle in her eye that could light up a room. I do love her and women like her come along once in a lifetime, just not in this lifetime for me. I wish her the best and I hope she has the most success and happiness in the world that one person can have. I also want the the next person that has a relationship with her to know how very, very lucky they are. You have a rare gem and you should admire her, treat her well, and thank God every day that you get up that she is in your life.

Rubber Ducky You're The One

I first heard "Rubber Ducky, You're The One" when Ernie of Sesame Street sang it in his bathtub playing with his rubber duck and that morphed into the disco version of "Rubber Duckie" by one of the original funk masters, Bootsy Collins from the 1970's disco era. I was out doing my walking today (yes I have actually started an exercise program) and I saw eight Mallard ducks out in the pond at my apartment complex. It must have been like a couples retreat for ducks because there were four males and four females. It was so cool to watch them dive for food on the bottom and to be in perfect tandem. Mother Nature has it figured out, why can't human beings do the same?

Friendships Should Last A Lifetime

I wrote a blog about friends the other day and that got me to thinking about some of my college roommates and those are usually your friends for life. They go through the college wars with you together, they help you stagger in from a hard night of..... studying, they see you the next morning when you have a bad headache from studying so much, and helps hide you out when a crazy girl comes after you with a gun. I remember this one..... study group... I was at and a disagreement about politics broke out (it was the Ronald Reagan era) and Dale comes charging down the steps to join the fray because he thought I was involved (he knew what a political activist I was). I was too loaded down..... with books.... to stop him but luckily one of our other friends did manage to slow him down and tell him it wasn't me. That is a true friend who would throw himself into a political discussion like that because he thought I was involved. I gave him a few of my ..... books.... and we studied and defended Ronald Reagan's "Trickle Down Economics" the rest of the night.

The Comfort Of A Warm Blanket

I can understand why Linus carried a blanket with him everywhere he went now. At the end of a rough day, there is no better feeling than crawling under a warm blanket and pulling it up over your head. My blanket protects from a sometimes very cruel world and I can be asleep within a few short minutes. Snoopy, Lucy, and sometimes Sally were always trying to take Linus's blanket away from him and he always held on for dear life. When I was about ten years old my grandmother made me an old-fashioned hand made quilt and gave it to me when I got my very own room for the first time. I carried that blanket with me all the way through college and after I graduated from college, I passed it down to the next line of my family that was coming up. Every time I get in bed and crawl under my Wal-Mart bought blanket, I cannot help but think of my grandmother's blanket and all of the comfort and protection it provided when I was growing up.

It's All About The Journey

I have done some sleazy things in my lifetime but life is all about the journey. It is where you end up not where you started or the slip ups along the way but where you end up now. Those sleazy days have taught me a lot of lessons along the way. I like who I am now. I am far from perfect. I like to think I am a good guy and a genuinely nice guy. I want to hear about your day when it is over, I want to share in your successes and failures, and I want to learn about your interests and what you like and I want to be able to intelligently discuss those with you. I have compassion and empathy for humans and animals alike. I try to treat people like I would want to be treated (except for maybe the occasional case of road rage), I am there to pick you up when you fall, and I am there to make you laugh when you are crying, and I am there to provide both shoulders for you to cry on if you need both. I am there to see you through good times and bad. I fully believe that there is a reason that our paths crossed at this point and time in our lives along our separate journeys.

Always Leave Them Laughing

I had always heard "Always leave them laughing" was a quote from a famous comedian (but I could not find out who) but I did find out that it was the title of a movie made in 1949 starring Milton Berle. I have always tried to use that as a philosophy (some times it works and some times it doesn't) because I have always thought my sense of humor was one of my better qualities. Some women I have gone out with did not think I had a sense of humor at all and that probably hurt more than anything. I have also always heard that women like the guys that make them laugh. That must be an urban legend because I have not found that to be true either. All I get is laughed at but true to my word, I am always leaving them laughing.

Relationships And Strip Clubs

I will be the first to admit that I used to be a regular strip club patron. Strip clubs and relationships do not mix well together. Not too many men like the character Al Bundy on Married With Children can get away with it in real life. I realize that. I am more than willing to give up strip clubs for the right woman. If I have the right woman, I will not need a strip club. That was pointed out to me not long ago. Strip clubs are not the meaning of my life. I am a reasonably intelligent man, I have a good sense of humor, and I have decided to be totally honest with whoever I become involved with about my former days spent in strip clubs. Some women I have told I have never seen or heard from again, some felt it their womanly duty to give me complete hell before they hit the road running, and one other one has stuck around to find out what I am all about. I watched the movie The Blind Side the other night and they used the analogy of the character Sandra Bullock played of being "like an onion." There are several layers of me you have to peel back (although some women have wanted to peel my skull back like an onion) before you get to the essence that is me. Strip clubs are a part of my past and I do not want any surprises or skeletons falling out of my closet. I would like to think I am worth a little bit of extra effort.

What I Am Thankful For

Thanksgiving was a few days ago and in all I had going on, I didn't pause to reflect on everything that is good in my life. I have a very closed circle of friends but the those I do consider my close friends, are golden. The good thing about my friends is that they all bring something different to the table. One of my friends came into town yesterday and we talk to each other about once a week but we don't get to see each other that often. He brings a great business acumen to the table and he is my moral compass. Once in a great while, my morality needs to be pointed in the right direction. We had a great talk about everything that had been going on in my life lately and he gave some great advice and shared his intuition with me. One of my other friends in Charlotte has been known to be a bad influence on me but I am 47 years old, so I have to share in the blame for allowing myself to be influenced. Those two are kind of like the devil and angel sitting on my shoulder. The angel telling me to be good and find me a good relationship to settle into and the devil is telling me to do all things sleazy. Strip clubs, Thailand, or bust. The angel is winning right now, by the way, as far as trying to be good and stay away from the sleaze.

My Passions

Sometimes you control your passions, sometimes they control you. The one thing I am most passionate about, not including people, is my writing. I write blogs, I write in my journal (which I have been doing for the better part of 26 years), I write notes and letters to people, and I have even started writing a book that is almost finished, and the notes and research for several other novels. Some things that you write the old fashioned way, on a regular sheet of college ruled paper with a pen, you can never erase and you can never take back. I meant every word of what I wrote but that doesn't mean I should have necessarily felt the incredible need to share. I thought about suggesting that this particular document be burned and the ashes buried in the back yard or scattered to the wind but it was too late for that. I am guessing I wasn't even out of the driveway before this letter was being read. The theory was proposed that I needed/wanted her to know. That theory sounds plausible enough. How she knew that I will never know. I am thinking women's intuition bordering on witchcraft but I am talking a very good witch. The theory was also proposed that I worry too much and that theory is right on the money.

"The time for reflection. You see what you have now and embrace what is in front of you." I spend way too much time looking in the rear view mirror. What's done is done, even as recently as yesterday. I apologized for what I wrote but I was told that I should not apologize for being honest. I wonder if I can apologize for bad timing?

My Heart On My Sleeve

I am always trying to find the perfect song lyrics to fit with what I am feeling and tonight's music lyrics would be by Eve 6 entitled "Heart In A Blender." The lyrics say "Wanna put my tender heart in a blender, watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion." The character Jethro Gibbs on the television show NCIS has his own set of rules and he also relies on his "gut instinct" as a means to figure things out. When I can't figure out to communicate with women, I write them things. I have always considered myself to be a modern day Cyrano De Bergerac and tonight I think Cyrano should have stayed at home and I should have gone with my gut instinct and kept what I wrote to myself. I really do not know what I was thinking and I evidently did not know what I was writing either. I meant what I wrote but the timing was wrong and I did not spend enough time on it. I should have worked on it another month or two and then I still should have kept it to myself. I would love to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve but I just do not think I have it in me.

Staring Down My Demons

Today is the day that I chose to stare down my demons that are my emotions. That is a rather harsh way of putting it but I have never dealt with my emotions well. Especially the emotions surrounding my heart. The "secret" has finally been figured out and that is a little bit of a scary thing for me but it is a good kind of scared. As we go through life, we make so few honest and real "connections" whether it be friends or lovers. I posed the question "Do you believe in love at first sight?" The talked quickly turned to "Chemistry" and how it can not exist at all or how it can develop very quickly. She said that she need to hear me say the words. I guess, somewhere deep down, I need to say those words. My biggest fear is that they will mean nothing but in the end, it means something to me. I don't needed to hear those words repeated back to me because that has to come from each individual heart when that heart is ready.

If A Tree Falls

If I tell someone a secret that is only known to me, then that makes it real. It gives that secret a life and sometimes it takes on a life of its own. If I do not tell anyone that secret, then the secret cannot exist because no one knows but me. I was told this is a complicated concept and they used the analogy about "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make any noise?" If I don't make any noise, then no one can hear it. No one except for me.

It's A Secret

A "secret" is defined by Meriam Webster's Dictionary (the online version) "kept or hidden from view." I will be the first to admit that it is hard to keep a secret especially one that pertains to yourself. I almost feel obligated to tell someone but I can't quite bring myself to do it. Guys in general don't tell their own secrets unless it involves sex and women usually tell their secrets to their friends and/or co workers. Most people feel they have to tell somebody even if the secret starts with themselves. I have a secret but luckily I am not feeling that desire to tell anybody right now and I will keep this one "hidden from view" and buried way down inside. Some secrets should be hidden in the abyss.

The First Date

Some authors have an incredible way of making lines from a song or a movie fit perfectly into their story. I have always thought that Stephen King was a master at being able to pull that off. Most songs come from the life experiences of the author and as I was thinking about my first date with my beautiful lady friend the other night I kept thinking back to the song by the group Blink-182 entitled "First Date." Some of the lines to that song fit perfectly to what I was feeling and experiencing at that moment. Dating at 47 years old is not easy and I believe it is even harder at my age than it was at 16. After I met her and we were sitting in the restaurant, I couldn't help but think of the line in the song that says "I'm too scared of what you think". We talked our entire date which was just so easy with her. I suggested a movie and she pointed out we could not talk at a movie which made our date that much better. When the evening was coming to an end and we were standing by her car, the lines from the song go "I dread the thought of our very first kiss, a target I'm probably going to miss." On the first date it is especially awkward because you don't know if you are crossing any boundaries by kissing her or not so I posed the question to her "To kiss or not to kiss?" I am sure Shakespeare was probably in writer's heaven thinking "Dumbass! Paraphrasing my lines and then ruining them." She said, "I will leave that up to you," and that was liking Fat Albert if he wanted another cheeseburger. We kissed and it was very sweet and gentle and the perfect first kiss.

Friends

I was playing around on youtube this afternoon (one of the guilty pleasures of having a few days off) and I rediscovered the old mid-1970's song by Andrew Gold entitled "Thank You For Being A Friend." My friends have been on my mind a lot lately, both old and new, and the more I thought about it the more I thought that "sometimes the true measure of a friend lies in that they are there for you when you need them as well as when you don't need them." My beautiful new lady friend and I were talking the other night and she brought up the old show "Friends." It was a comedy but it was really about the dynamic that existed between a group of friends and how they interacted on a daily basis. Shakespeare said "All the world's a stage and we are merely players" and your friends are on that stage with you. Bringing up that television show got us to reminiscing about what we did with our friends when we were younger and her stories revolved around hitting the bars with her friends and drinking and that kind of thing and mine revolved around my college days with my friends. I dared not confess too much and I am not about to put them on here but I would love to get all of my friends together and have a "Friends" reunion of my own. Some of these guys (and women) I have not seen in 20 years and I really have no idea how many kegs of beer I would need but I do know it would be one hell of a party. I would want to ask all of the guys one question- How much did you confess to your wives about everything you have done? Some secrets according to man law you have to take to the grave.

To Text Or Not To Text

I greatly admire a woman that would rather talk to me on the phone for five minutes than send me a thousand text messages. It is way to easy to misunderstand the meaning behind some text messages and I would much rather hear a voice than read it on the screen. I guess it is the personal touch behind a phone call that I appreciate. Some women would rather text than talk (that doesn't even sound right) and I really hate text arguing. I guess I am strange in the aspect that I would rather be yelled at over the phone or in person than read a hateful message with a bunch of "!!!'s" behind it. So to my female friends who would rather text than talk, please pick up the phone and call me, I would love to hear from you....

A Good Kind Of Scared

My beautiful lady friend and I had our first "official" date last night and it was as every bit as good as the first "unofficial" one. We met at a local restaurant (one of my personal favorites) and it was smaller and more intimate than the one last night. I have found that she can carry on an intelligent conversation about anything with the exception of maybe sports but she is a Tarheel basketball fan so that covers any deficiencies that she may have in other sports. We ended up back at Barnes & Noble but that is fine by me because I think I am the true definition of a "book nerd." She is more politically aware than I am which is kind of ironic because I was a Political Science minor in college. She showed me one of the papers she had written for a college class that she had taken. It was a topic that the Professor had picked for her (never one of my favorite things to have thrust upon me) and her writing style is very concise, her points were well made, and I was impressed. We have so much in common it is kind of scary but it is a good kind of scared. We have a lot in common but a variety of interests and I can learn a lot from her. Life is a learning e4xperience whether it is about various subjects, human nature, or even myself. It was a great "first" date and once again, we sealed it with a kiss. I am looking forward to see where this goes. Once again, it is a little bit scary but it is a good kind of scared.

Conversation

Never understimate the power and intoxicating effect of conversation. Just conversation. I had a date last night with a beautiful lady just a couple of years younger than me and I met her on one of those dating websites. We chatted back and forth for a couple of days and then we exchanged phone numbers, we talked on the phone for a couple of nights, and then agreed to meet for dinner on Saturday night. I talked to her for almost three hours on the phone Thursday night which is some kind of a record for me. Usually I do not have that much to say. This beautiful lady and I have a lot in common, she is very intelligent and holds up her end of the conversation very well. I am really excited about having the chance to meet her. I will be the first to admit that my blind 77 year old mother has a more active social life than me. I spent most of the day Friday trying to scheme on how to move the date up by a day but luckily she took care of that for me and we agreed to meet last night. I was really nervous so I got there about 45 minutes early and wandered around Barnes & Noble until it was time to meet. I walk outside the Barnes & Noble and I see a Channel 13 News van setting up outside with cameras and I recognized one of the local news personalities. She told me later that they were having a "lighting of the Christmas tree" ceremony that night. I sat on a park bench in front of the restaurant and it sat up high and I could see everything going on in front of me. There were two boys throwing the football down in front of me, they were getting the Christmas tree ready for the lighting ceremony back behind me, and I am watching all of these couples walk around hand-in-hand, and some were with children and some people were waiting just like I was. Throw in some snow and I could have been James Stewart in Miracle on 34th Street. My first impression of my date was she is beautiful and we immediately eased into our conversation like we had known each other for years. I immediately felt comfortable and I felt at ease talking to her. After we finished our meal, we walked around for a while looking at the Christmas tree and the lights and so many people. It was a very festive atmosphere. We ended up getting some ice cream at the local shop and I thought it was a great first date. We got to know a little bit about each other, we shared stories, and we even talked about my writing. I felt like I could discuss anything with her without fear of judgement and that is a very comforting feeling. Our conversation lasted a little past Midnight and we ended it with a perfect first kiss (never underestimate the power of a kiss, either). It was very soft, sensual and very sweet. I cannot wait to see her again for our "real" first date tonight.

The Simple Life

Jack Kerouac once said, "One day I will find the words and they will be simple." The past week or so has made me think of ways I can simplify my life. I would love to adopt the philosophy of "less is more" but I don't know how I could get much less than this. When it comes down to it, the emotional baggage is more of a "burden" than any physical posession you could have or perform the upkeep on. Yoga, meditation, self-hypnosis.... I am sure all of them would help. I have been told by several people here lately that my writing is complete crap but that it may be, but it is also my therapy. I guess what is one person's crap is anothers unpolished Diamond. One day I will find the words and they will be simple. Those words may also only make sense to me.

My Writing

I will never tell a woman I am remotely interested in that I write a blog. I have always heard you should never say never but I am saying. I write what I feel at that moment. This last one thought I was way too negative and that is all she focused on was the negative. She thought it should be more "whimsical". I write with emotion. I write when I am emotional. I sometimes write with my heart on my sleeve. Life is sometimes negative. There has been a lot of negative things happen in my life lately. Writing is my therapy and it is a hell of a lot cheaper than paying a therapist. I am sorry that she found it so negative and it wasn't the laugh fest she thought it should be. I have heard a lot of her negative rants as well and I patiently listened and did not judge. I for damn sure did not tear into her about it although I did ask her opinion. I respect everyone's right to feel what they feel and I try to be there for them to help pick them up when they fall or trip. My car got broken into last night and I was lamenting that fact to another friend of mine and she told me "You are a good man. You don't deserve this." My response was What exactly has being a good man gotten me? Women do not want good any more. They want the bad guys. The one's who lie, cheat, steal, and treat them badly." Unfortunately, those guys are the ones that prosper but I can't quite turn that corner.

Little Red Riding Hood

At the place i work, the employees have the option of dressing up in some type of costume on Halloween for work instead of our normal dress code. Most of the costumes are pretty lame like some girl dressed up as a cat (how original is that?) but every once in a while, someone will dress up really well in a cool costume. A few days ago, one of the younger women in the store dressed up like Little Red Riding Hood and that costume was costume perfection. She had the red hood and the little dress and the whole works. Her being cute as hell didn't hurt any either. In real life, this girl acts all sweet and innocent and has that super sexy Southern accent so she even fit the part just about perfectly. I can easily see her going to Grandma's house. I never dress up but this is one time that I wished I would have dressed up as the Big Bad Wolf.

Puppet On A String

Women can sday what they want but they enjoy booty calls as much as men do. Some woman I dated for about three months back at the beginning of the Spring/Summer decided that she wasn't interested in the direction that she thought I wanted the relationship to go. She thought I wanted an exclusive relationship and she decided to end this part of our relationship through a text message. She still wanted to have a sexual relationship, "friends with benefits", but did not want me to be upset if she "wanted to date someone else." To be honest, I was tremendously insulted by this and I told her that I did not think that was possible. I have been a friend with benefits before and it has never been that beneficial for me.

I have not actually spoken to her in over four months now. We have communicated via text and through Facebook but have not actually spoken. Recently she has brought up the possibility of starting to have a sexual relationship again, friends with benefits. I am more open to the idea now because I am going in with my eyes wide open but it is how she phrases things. It's never "lets get together this weekend" or "what are you doing tonight?" although she did ask me to go to a local fair a couple of months ago. It's always "some day" or "one day soon". It's like she wants to keep me on a string to be available if all of her other options fail. I need more consideration and more of a notice than that. I also believe she doesn't want me to get the impression that we are "getting back together" but at the same time, she wanted to know if I was "seeing" someone. If it is all about the sex, why bother asking that question? One possibility could be that she doesn't want to interfere with anything I have going on but I believe it is more of a case of her wanting to know if there has been anyone after her or am I still carrying a torch for her. Once again, I don't see how that should matter but I am not a puppet on a string and it has to be at my convenience as well as hers.

A Hermit's Life

I am not that big on relationships right now as I think I have gone out with enough psychos to last me a lifetime (although I have been accused of being a "head case" in my own right) but I have noticed that when I am seeing someone, I get out a lot more and am more social (at least I try to act like it). We usually end up doing what they want to do because I am an accomodating guy but that gets old pretty quickly (see one of my previous posts on "Expiration Dates") and it doesn't last long. If I am not dating someone, I live the life of a hermit but I do think it is a good thing that I own a dog and not a lot of cats. That would be just plain weird. When I lived in Charlotte, I had a lot of single friends and it was easy to find a "partner in crime" whereas in Asheville, almost all of my friends are married and their girlfriends/wives do not want them hanging out with me. You go to a few strip clubs and you are branded for life.

The Expiration Date

As I have discussed many times before, dating at "pre- Middle Age" is tough and I have come to the conclusion that women and the dating cycle have an expiration date much like food or anything else that can go bad. Some relationships have a longer shelf life than others but they all have an expiration date. There are certain factors that go into determining when the expiration date is. The first sign of psychosis, neurosis, or even halitosis, then the expiration date has officially been reached and it is time to find a new one. There are a few other factors involved as well. The first control issues that appear, the first time they try to psychoanalyze me and tell me without any doubt, they know what my problems are and what makes me tick, then the expiration date has been reached. If their parents still have a large measure of control in their lives, then the expiration date will soon be reached. I was explaining my "Expiration Date" theory to a few women that I work with the other day and I was surprised when one of them totally agreed with me. She said "I wish I could do that." I realize the theory can work both ways. I have discovered that if these women that I choose to go out with display any of these tendencies early on in the dating cycle, then it is not going to get any better.

The Whole Truth

I have often wondered how much of your past should you reveal to a woman when you first start dating. Should you tell her the whole truth from the very beginning about your bachelor days or should you maintain an air of mystery and be very vague about your past and your past relationships? I am going to have to go with do not confess until you absolutely have to. What woman is going to want to hear that you used to hang out in strip clubs five nights a week or once went on a one week long strip club binge where you and a friend spent $5000? Or that you once dated a porn star want to be and the relationship epitomized the phrase "f*** like a porn star"? Or that you used to regularly go out with women that were 20 to 25 years younger than you? After reading all of this, why do I even want to be in a relationship? I really don't know who said "the truth shall set you free" but too much truth will definitely set you free. I think its good to keep a few secrets because you know she is keeping a few from you.

Nobody Said Life Was Fair

There are certain things in life that are just really unfair and if the concept of karma is correct, these events throw the greater cosmic karma way out of balance. Maybe it is something simple like a coworker gets an award at work you know they do not deserve, a guy gets a girl and you know he doesn't deserve her, or somebody becomes successful and you know they haven't put in a bit of work for it. Being bitter about it doesn't work because I have tried that, resenting those individuals also doesn't work because their life goes happily on while you put a halt to yours, and waiting on karma to come back around is the absolute worst. I may not live that long. Isolating yourself from the world also doesn't work because that is the theory I am currently working with and my dog is getting pissy. The only alternative I have left is to trudge on and try to creat positive things in my life. Right now, I positively want a lap dance but that is probably not going to work, either. All that is going to do is leave me broke, horny, and you know what comes after that.

The Party Is Over

As of 7 AM tomorrow morning, the party if officially over. I have to return to work after ten days off. One of the good things about tomorrow is that my friend and partner in crime also returns to work after being out for 7 months. It will be interesting for him to see how the dynamics have changed in just a short 7 months. I am going to try to think positive, visualize, and positive things will come my way.

Wasted Time

The 1980's Hair Metal Band Skid Row had a song called "Wasted Time" that has pretty much describes my current state of mind and situation as well as my vacation that is coming to a crashing end. There one line in the song that goes "Paranoid delusions they haunt you Where's my friend I used to know He's all alone He's buried deep within a carcass Searching for a soul" I have been on vacation for a week and I did nothing to change my current situation, my outlook on life, or anything productive to improve myself. Instead I elected to hide in my apartment with the doors locked and the blinds pulled tight. I would love to be able to snap out of this and develop a positive mindset and seek something positive rather than waiting on the bomb to drop. Maybe they are not the crazy ones, maybe it is me.

A Simple Choice

One of the lines in one of my favorite all-time movies, The Shawshank Redemption goes something like this- "I guess it's a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying." The backdrop for that scene was the main character Andy Dufresne (played by Tim Robbins) and his best friend Charlie Rose (played by Morgan Freeman) were leaning up against a brick wall talking about what they were going to do when (if) they got out of prison. My main focus in the past couple of months has been on dying. I need to give living one more try. That being said, I need "to get busy living."

Restless

I am very restless tonight and I do not take that as a good sign. I am restless in body, I am restless in mind, and I am restless in spirit. I have accomplished as much as I can. My writing does not even bring me much solace now. If life is a game then I am losing badly. There was a time when I had some keen insight into life and I could make a joke out of the most serious of situations. I guess the joke was on me the entire time.

Vacation

Vacation time used to be such a time of elation for me. That feeling of clocking out that last time before vacation officially starts was almost euphoric but that feeling was really tempered this time. I have been pretty beat up, physically and emotionally, over the course of the last month-and-a-half for reasons I do not completely understand. I have heard of people hitting rock bottom before and I am guessing that this is rock bottom for me. I look around my small one bedroom apartment and I see a few momentos of my 25 year Wal~Mart career that mean absolutely nothing to me and is more a source of embarrassment than it is anything. I have a small 5" x 7" plaque with my name and the month and year that my 25 years became official along with some facsimile autographs of the Wal~Mart heads that make millions of dollars and steer the ship, all in the name of Wal~Mart. People I will never meet and have no desire to meet. There is also a golden name badge to let the world know and everyone I see that I am "special" because of my length of service at Wal~Mart and a 25 year pin. It is not Wal~Mart's fault that I never realized any potential that I may have had coming out of college. That is my responsibility and mine alone. I also look around my tiny apartment and see alot of books and movies and stuff that I could have and should have been writing. I could be doing that now if I was able to dig myself out of this suicidal funk I have been in. the word "potential" is the worst word in the English language. It tells me that at one time I had a chance and an opportunity to make a contribution of some kind, any kind, to someone's life. Yet I sit here alone in my tiny apartment, feeling the breeze blowing through my windows, trying to decide what is next. The next, and the last step, is the end.

Going Back

I will be going back to Charlotte this next weekend, October 12th, for the first time in 22 months. December of 2011 was the last time i was in Charlotte and there are many reasons why but I won't bore you with the details. The number one reason I haven't been back is because of my health. I am not even 50 years old and it is pretty sad that I can't even get into my car and drive 100 miles because it causes too much pain. I first told my friends in Charlotte about it three weeks ago and they have been planning (and plotting) my return since the second I told them. Myran even announced my return to the Gold Club on his FELT (Future Ex-Pats To Live In Thailand) page on Facebook. I just have to survive the next week and I will be home free.

Dating Is Hard

Dating is hard at my age (the mid-40's). It is hard to find a woman around my age that is not carrying a ton of baggage (to be fair, some women would say I am carrying a little bit myself) and compatibility seems to be a huge problem. Most say they are looking for a nice guy (they are looking for money), stability (money, a nice house, and a nice car), they like to stay home (they want to be wined and dined every night), and they are not on these dating websites for sex or one night stands (although every picture they show is one looking straight down their shirt or a boob or an ass shot.) They do not want to see pictures of my "junk" but I am obligated to see pictures of their saggy boobs or flabby ass. They do not want to see pics of me without my shirt on either but I am not that brave. I do not want to see a pic of me without a shirt on. I am seriously considering the "hooker option." If the end game is truly sex, why not just cut out all the bullshit and make it a straight cash transaction. It would make a guys life (and mine) a whole lot simpler.

Why?

I would love to know why the women I run across in my life do not want me to have a good time. They don't want me going to Hooter's, The Tilted Kilt, or Twin Peaks or any strip club. Why can't I find a woman that says to me "Dan, you have been working hard all week long and you have been under alot of stress, why don't you to to a Nudie Bar and have a good time. Pick you out a stripper with huge knockers, go to the VIP room, and spend the whole night in there. Here is you a couple of hundred dollars to get you started...." Where is that woman?

On The Downside

I had a friend tell me not long ago that at our age, nothing real positive happened. His emphasis was on that we had nothing to look forward to any more. He used the examples of when you turn 16, you look forward to getting your Driver's License, and later graduating from high school and college, and then starting your career, and so on and so forth. At our age, the only thing we have to look forward to is going to the doctor and hoping you don't have a terminal illness or something else wrong with you. The more I think about it, the more I believe he is right. You can say 50 is the new 30 all you want but I don't believe that for a second. I have rheumatoid arthritis, the beginning symptoms of Parkinson's Disease, high blood pressure, and so on and so forth. There is not a second of the day that I am not in pain. I have tried putting as much of a positive spin on this that I can but it is becoming harder and harder every day. I am only approaching early middle age. I will admit that I am only limited to what I can do by my own misgivings. I told my ex-wife yesterday that I was tired of taking all of these pills just so I could sleep and just so I could function on a minimal level every day. What I really need to work on is a more positive mental approach. After all, I can only play the hand I am dealt.

Therapeutic Writing

Writing has always been my therapy. About a year or so ago (maybe not that long ago), I was reading an article about Mark Twain and how he carried a journal with him everywhere he went and was constantly writing in it. When his daughter died, that was the only way he knew how to deal with his grief was by writing about it. I was so fascinated by this story I felt compelled to call my oldest sister to tell her that Mark Twain and I shared the same compulsion. She wasn't as thrilled about it as I was. I originally had to start carrying my journal with me everywhere I went to keep my ex-wife from reading it. My desire was to keep my Journal as private as possible. It is never going to make me any money, I am never going to be famous, and I really do not know why anyone would ever want to read it. My Journal contains no revelations about the universe, no deep philosophies that are going to change people's lives, and I am probably not going to reveal the meaning of life. Until I starting blogging about four years ago, my writing was never for public consumption (and evidently it is still not), but when i started blogging, I changed the way I wrote for fear of revealing to much about myself. That is why my Journal has always been so important to me is because I could reveal myself within its pages and no one would be there to read it. This blog has been about the most revealing thing I have ever written. I don't have to worry about anyone reading it, either.

In Memory Of My Father

Yesterday would have been my father's 77th birthday. He has been gone for 6 1/2 years now and I have to be honest, the first couple of years were more emotional for me. Now, I remember his birthday but the memory is more of one of regret than it is anything else. I regret that I was not closer to my father and I regret that I did not know him as well as I should have. The opportunity was there, I just did not take advantage of it. Me and my Father were as different as night and day. He was a man of the outdoors. Hunting and fishing were his passions and a perfect day for him was stomping through the woods with his bird dogs or out on the lake or in a stream with a fishing pole in his hand. I was more into my academic pursuits. A perfect day for me was spent in the library reading a book or on a computer doing some research. The only common bond we had was sports. Every once in a while I would step into his world and go hunting or fishing but rarely, if ever, would he step into my world. I really do not think he knew how. There is not a day goes by that I do not think of him and something he said or did and realize now that it was a life lesson that he taught me, no matter how small or inocuous. With age comes wisdom, and I am still learning from his wisdom and life experience, years after the fact. That means that he did what he was supposed to do as a father and taught me right from wrong and what to do and what not to do.

The Planning Stages

I was able to buy myself some time this past week so I can plan my next move but I do not even know where to begin. Do I begin with a resume and take the first offer that comes along? Do I start writing some side projects and hope they will launch me into something bigger and better? Do I start networking and hope that can scare up something better for me? The point of all of this is that I have to take action of some kind. I have to reinvent myself in that regard. I have never been a take charge kind of guy and I have never had the confidence to take charge. A class on leadership would probably be a good place to start. There are so many options and so many places I could start. I believe it was Confucius that said "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Motivation

Motivation comes in the strangest forms. I have always accepted the status quo amd procrastination has always been my modus operandi. I was afraid I was going to lose my job of 25 years. The reality of the situation is that I have nothing to show for those 25 years. I am still living paycheck to paycheck and I have never come close to living up to my potential and I have never been the best I could be- at anything. Almost losing what little I do have should be a real motivating factor. I hope it will motivate to try more, to achieve more, and to just be more. I have never considered money to be a barometer for success (which is a good thing) and that is not going to be my focus. Almost losing my job has bought me a little bit of time- I hope. I need to quit procrastinating, get off my ass, and realize my potential and as a friend of mine told me when all of this started about three weeks ago "you need to go out and be the Dan you have always wanted to be."

The Real Boob Versus The Imagined Boob

A female friend of mine and I had an interesting conversation this morning about Boobs, one of my favorite topics. She believed that I proudly announced that I had not seen any stripper Boobs in 7 1/2 months. I was kind of ashamed of that fact. It's almost embarrassing. She said that I had been imagining the boobs and that was just as "bad" (definitely a difference of opinion between good and bad there) as seeing the real thing. I beg to differ on that point. Having the real boobs bouncing in my face is much better than me imagining them bouncing in my face. My imagination is good but it is not that good.

Starting Over

I hate to be put in the position of being 47 years old and starting over but that is where I am about to be. I was telling my friend Bonnie this afternoon that I am trying so hard to turn a negative into a positive but in this case it is almost impossible. The best way for me to do that is to leave my current place of employment, whether it be their choice or mine, and go out and realize the potential I always know that I have had. I have just kept it a secret from everyone else, friends and family included. I have always made it a habit to float through life without any ambition or goals for myself and it has allowed me to live this current poverty-stricken standard of living I posess today. I love to write. I kn ow people that squeak by doing it and i know people that make a great living doing it. Stephen king I am not but I would settle for squeaking by, waiting on that one book to hit it big. I read somewhere, and the numbers are probably wrong, that over 20,000 people every year try to get published and only about 800 make it. That is less than 5 percent. I should be used to the deck being stacked against me.

One Screwed Up Mess

My life is one screwed up mess, there is no doubt about that, and what makes it tougher to take, is that it is mostly my fault. I have hurt people that have obviously cared about me while seeking my own selfish goals and desires. The real messed up part about that is I do not consider myself a selfish person. I am a giving person, a kind person, and I love animals. My Buddhist advisor in Thailand is telling me that I need to take a step back, detach myself from the situation, and then I can think more wisely. I think she may be on to something.