Vacation

Vacation time used to be such a time of elation for me. That feeling of clocking out that last time before vacation officially starts was almost euphoric but that feeling was really tempered this time. I have been pretty beat up, physically and emotionally, over the course of the last month-and-a-half for reasons I do not completely understand. I have heard of people hitting rock bottom before and I am guessing that this is rock bottom for me. I look around my small one bedroom apartment and I see a few momentos of my 25 year Wal~Mart career that mean absolutely nothing to me and is more a source of embarrassment than it is anything. I have a small 5" x 7" plaque with my name and the month and year that my 25 years became official along with some facsimile autographs of the Wal~Mart heads that make millions of dollars and steer the ship, all in the name of Wal~Mart. People I will never meet and have no desire to meet. There is also a golden name badge to let the world know and everyone I see that I am "special" because of my length of service at Wal~Mart and a 25 year pin. It is not Wal~Mart's fault that I never realized any potential that I may have had coming out of college. That is my responsibility and mine alone. I also look around my tiny apartment and see alot of books and movies and stuff that I could have and should have been writing. I could be doing that now if I was able to dig myself out of this suicidal funk I have been in. the word "potential" is the worst word in the English language. It tells me that at one time I had a chance and an opportunity to make a contribution of some kind, any kind, to someone's life. Yet I sit here alone in my tiny apartment, feeling the breeze blowing through my windows, trying to decide what is next. The next, and the last step, is the end.