Busted

My girlfriend finally got around to reading my blogs that she had discovered a couple of weeks ago. They were so fascinating to her that she woke up at 2 AM one morning and could not stop reading. First of all, I write. That is what I do. She needs to understand that. My blogs are funny, sad, honest (although I have at least one ex-girlfriend a week tell me I am still lying), philosophical, insightful, and at least one person a week tells me my blogs are full of shit.

Most people (especially women) do not understand that being full of shit is the beauty of being me. I do not have to worry about being politically correct or any of that other stuff and according to some, I don't even worry about being right half the time.

My girlfriend ha already thrown half of my blogs up in my face faster than a stripper can throw a pair of 36 DDD's in my face but that is her right, I suppose. I knew that was coming, it was just a matter of time. My blogs are out there for the world to see and I have not hidden them from anyone. If what I write is going to be a problem, I would rather it be a problem sooner rather than later.

A Language All Our Own

After you have been in a relationship for a while, you discover that you and your girlfriend have developed a language all of your own that only the two of you understand. My girlfriend and I have been dating about nine months now. I know my girlfriend and I have our own language. No one else may understand it but we do. Some examples are:

Albania- a coworker of my girlfriends

Lebanese- a lesbian

pool dancing- what a stripper does

"lay some ass to my foot"- a phrase used to describe when my girlfriend wants to kick me in the ass

When I apologize before I do something wrong- that means I am about to fart and I do not feel like excusing myself from the room to go do it. I apologized a lot the other night.

"Go ahead, write that down" she taps the table with her fingernails when she says it- That means she has said something of importance and she wants me to write it in my personal journal. She also says that when she has done something nice for me.

"Why am I the only one half unnaked?"- I will leave this one open to the imagination of the reader.

Stealing The Show.... And The Bed

My girlfriend came over on July 4th and we were going to spend a nice quiet evening at home and watch a movie. We decided to watch American pie because I really needed a laugh. As soon as we got comfortable on the bed and turned the movie on, here comes Molly plodding into the bedroom. She pulls herself up on the bed and ensconces herself in the corner. Slowly throughout the course of the evening Molly slowly but surely forces my girlfriend out of the bed and she ends up spending half the night sleeping on the couch.

At one point and time, my girlfriend woke me up and she said that I said "if you lard butts (meaning her and Molly) would scoot over, I could get some sleep." I am sure what I said was "If y'all two would move over, we could all get some sleep."

I belief what a man says under the influence of Doctor prescribed sedatives, should not be held against him. My girlfriend was still pretty miffed at me the next morning so I made her some bacon and eggs and some Gilmore grits and all was right with the world again.

Big Trouble In Flat Rock

My girlfriend told me this morning that she had found my blogs and had started reading them. She only found one of my baseball blogs so it is only a matter of time before she finds the incriminating stuff, mainly That Guy and The Date Manifesto. I am reminded of the song "Renegade" by the 1970's and '80's rock band Styx.

"The jig is up, the news is out
They've finally found me
The renegade, who had it made
Retrieved for a bounty
Never more to go astray
This'll be the end today
of the wanted man."

I don't know if anybody reads my sports blogs but my more "sleazy" blogs seems to attract a little bit of interest. The majority of my readership is women so does that mean women are sleazier than men or do they think I am just sleazy and they like reading about it?

Shopping

Show me a guy who likes to go shopping and I will show you a guy.... who is really not a guy. The problem all started when my procrastination sometimes gets the best of me but this time it was not completely my fault. I wanted to go to the South Atlantic League All-Star game a couple of night's ago in Asheville but I waited around too late to get tickets and then they were sold out. One reason I waited was because I did not know if my girlfriend had to work or not because God knows I would hate to go anywhere by myself with a chance of having a good time with the guys.

Since I could not go to the game, she suggested shopping. I'm in a bad mood because I am missing out on the game so let's finish me off by suggesting shopping. I said "Sure, why not" because my evening was already shot to hell anyway. I hate shopping but the ironic thing was that I am the only one that bought anything. I got a good deal on a pair of shorts.

Dating Your Girlfriend

A lot of men believe that when you have a girlfriend, you stop dating. If you want to keep your girlfriend, you had better keep dating her. They do not have to be expensive dates. Since I have been out of work a couple of months, I have tried to think of different things we could do together- hiking, walking around downtown sightseeing and window shopping, getting together and watching a movie at home and making dinner together- and we have done all of that on her days off.

We went to Green River Cove hiking although that is very rough country and we only made it about half mile before we turned around and came back. On the drive down there, I got to share my memories of going down there when I was a lot younger and point out a few landmarks that I saw. I made sure we stopped at a local restaurant in Saluda, NC called Ward's Grill I knew about and had lunch and we just made a day of it.

We did the downtown Hendersonville thing as well and I shared my memories of that with her. Downtown Hendersonville used to be like any downtown before they turned it "historic" and made it a haven for tourists. I just wanted to go places that are fairly close, do not require a lot of travel that we do not normally get to go. It makes it a little bit new and it breaks the rut of the same old routine.

The Date That Wasn't

It seems that me and the woman I am dating cannot get on the same page so it seems like we spend more time not doing anything together than we do spending time with each other. I am an early morning person. I like getting up early and getting things done. If I go to an event, I like being there a little bit early, taking in the scene, and do a little bit of exploring. I also like to avoid the crowd scenes that usually occur later during an event.

The woman I am dating gets moving about lunch time, is a little bit late for everything she does, and time is not a concern for her. I get pissy when I have to wait. I wanted to go to the Western North Carolina Air Show yesterday around lunch time which should have been perfect for my girlfriend. I suggested 1 PM and she was going to be late for that.

That was when I decided that if I wanted to do something, I was just going to do it. As the old saying goes, "it is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission." I stashed my new camera in the car and took off for our small, hometown airport all by myself. I was fine with that. Give me my notebook, a pen, and my camera and I can go anywhere and do anything. Sleeping Beauty stayed at home.

A Hike By The River

The girlfriend and I decided to go hiking yesterday on her day off. It was a great idea with lukewarm results. I had surgery five weeks ago, I am not in the best shape I have ever been in and my girlfriend has not been hiking in a while. We were not exactly reenacting the Lewis and Clark expedition but it was some pretty rugged terrain. I estimate it is about a two or three mile hike to the Narrows as best I can remember. Nothing distorts your memory like time.

I had been wanting to go to a place called "the Narrows" in Green River Cove for quite a while now and yesterday seemed like the perfect day to go. My gf was game because she wanted out of the house, it had quit raining, and it turned into a beautiful afternoon. From that aspect, the hiking Gods were smiling on us.

My father and I had hiked this very same trail about 35 years ago and I had this romanticized vision that me and my gf could do this. It was much more rugged back then and I remember it had rained a lot that summer and the Green River was running high. I know Green River has become a big attraction for hikers, kayakers, and canoeists and the Narrows had been used for the kayaking events in the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics.

I took my brand new camera, this was a perfect nature photo op, and we were ready to roll. Green River Cove is only about 10 miles from my house but from the top of the road to the cove itself is 3 miles of twisting, winding road and that is an adventure in itself. They have paved the road since my father and I made this same journey and I can't tell if it made it better or worse. It did make the trip down a little bit quicker.

Unfortunately, my romanticized vision did not meet up with my physical abilities. We found the trail easily enough but it was more of a foot path than it was a trail and the going was pretty rough. We made it about a half mile through the woods when my gf called it quits. I probably could have made it to the Narrows but making it back may have been another story. I did get some good pics to at least prove I had been but it was not really the pics that I wanted. I will eventually make that hike but it will be one I have to work my way up to.

Wanted: An Honest Person

I do not believe that there is an honest person in my life with the exception of one of my lifelong friends. Not one honest person. Friends, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, bosses, and roommates. It doesn't seem to matter. I do not care how small the lie is, it is still a lie. When you tell a lie to cover the lie, that makes it even worse. I am so disappointed with the entire human race right now. I trusted these people, I went to bat for these people, I believed in these people, and their solution was to lie to me. My trust and belief in them made me lie to other people. Does that make me guilty? Why should I trust anyone ever again. I am the one that gets screwed over, left with the crushed spirit, and also left to clean up the mess. I am beginning to believe that trust is the Eighth Deadly Sin.

The Art Of Forgiveness Revisited

On 21 October 2014 I posted an entry entitled "The Art Of Forgiveness." A girl that I had been dating had just broken up and the way it went down was a real punch to the gut. In "The Art Of Forgiveness" I was trying to make peace with her and that event. I do not know if I got peace or not but I do know that she is happy now.

I was walking Molly the other afternoon and I started thinking about that post. I just now went back and reread it. Some that read it thought it was very good and others thought I was full of shit. I have found that is the way of the writer. I thought I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Everyone wants to know what I think and what I feel until I tell them or I write about it. Maybe I am not as forgiving as I thought. First of all, this may be directed at all of you, it may be directed at a few of you or it may be directed at none of you. That is for you to decide.

At some point and time you have to answer for your actions. Certain things have come to my attention lately that have changed my view of forgiveness. What is the "unforgiveable sin"? Is it stealing, lying, or doing whatever you have to do to take what you want no matter who you have to crawl over to do so? And all the while preaching your Christian morals and ethics and using the word of God as your defense. It is all beyond horrible in my book but the chances are, your betrayal was so deep and complete you will not have to answer to anyone for you actions. My father always told me if someone wanted something badly enough to steal it or to lie to get it, you might as well let them have it because evidently it was much more important to them. Does it mean I am going to forgive you for it? There is no way in hell.

The Hooker Alternative

Dating at my age is hard. I have often thought about alternatives to traditional dating. There are several and I have tried almost all of them in some form or another. Most people are turning to online dating. I think I stood a better chance on the Titanic. There is "friends with benefits" although that never turns out to well for me. I usually get stuck footing the bill for our entertainment, I do not get much sex out of it, and the sex is never really that good because there is no feeling or emotions involved with it. I am also supposed to be at their beck and call whenever they want or need me or more than likely, be their personal ATM. That is not "friends with benefits", that is having a girlfriend.

There is also the "one night stand" but those are much harder to come by for me and I never feel good about those anyway. I have never been good at picking up women like that. I am not exactly a smooth talker and either I end up looking like the asshole only after "the one thing" (which in this scenario would have to be true) or the woman ends up being a tramp who would sleep with anybody. If a woman is willing to sleep with me on the first date, she more than likely has issues. I would like to think I have at least one desirable quality that would make a woman want to sleep with me but that has hardly ever been the case.

The last, and in my mind, most logical of the "dating" alternatives, is what I like to refer to as the "hooker alternative." It simplifies dating to its most base form. If sex is the ultimate objective, it is just a straight cash transaction. No emotions, no feelings, no game playing. It is just an agreed upon fee, paid up front and just hope it is not a law enforcement sting. It is not going to be cheap but when you balance it out of paying for a meal (and we are not talking about ordering through the clown's head at a drive thru) and the evening's entertainment, the prices are not going to be that far off. An hour with an "escort" is probably going to be cheaper than an hour in the VIP room at the strip club. I have known friends of mine that have easily spent $600 for an hour in the VIP room and not even get to cop a feel. I have never resorted to that alternative, but when I am dealing with psycho's every time I go on a date, the hooker alternative is starting to look like the best option.

Control

When a relationship becomes all about control, it is time to get out of that relationship. When th4ey try to control every move you make through manipulation or by any other means, then it is time to go. If they are going to lie to you about the small things, then they are going to lie to you about the bigger, more important things. Hiding things from you is just the same as lying.

A relationship has to be built on trust. If they do not trust you, it is time for it to end. If you find yourself lying to them just so you get to do whatever it is you want to do, then you are letting them control you. I have always done pretty much whatever I want to do within reason, and I have had girlfriends spy on me, search my cell phone, check out all my social media sites, and especially read my blog. I am honest to a fault and I do not hide anything but I also try not to put the specifics of my relationship out on the social media for the world to see. I like to live my life in the real world, not conduct my life in cyberspace. I did have to learn that the hard way. I will slip up from time to time but I do not know anyone who doesn't.

Whipped Unto The Next Generation Part II

Imagine the sound of a cracking whip.... The sound a man makes to one of his friends when his girlfriend has beat the boy down so bad he needs to turn in his Man Card. They should make an app for that. That way all a man has to do is hit a button on his cell phone. I think I saw that on The Big Bang Theory once.

My friend's son is now looking at four bedroom houses when there are just the two of them. I hate to break this to him, but his in-laws will be living with him within a month after they close on this house. He will be supporting the whole family straight from the script of Deliverance. That is why she is insisting on four bedrooms. One room for everyone in the family. Forget them helping out with the bills or buying a sack of groceries. I hope he likes the sound of a banjo because he is going to be hearing a lot of it.

Pushing The Envelope

I do not understand why women have to push living together/marriage like they do. They do not understand why I do not want to live together or get married. I have always had a bit of "Lone Wolf" in me and I thoroughly enjoy time to myself. Togetherness can be a good thing but I prefer it in limited quantities. I do not want to be joined at the hip. My girlfriend's favorite saying is "You are not the boss of me." That is completely true nor do I want to be but she does not mind getting all pissy with me if I want to go off and do something by myself.

I have come to realize over the course of the past couple of years that I do not fare well in relationships. I can compare it to fishing. I am an advocate of "catch and release." Once the other half of the relationship starts pushing living together/marriage, I subconsciously start looking for the back door and a way out. That feeling builds and builds until I finally run screaming out the door like my hair is on fire. As long as they do not mention that, we are fine.

Whipped Unto The Next Generation

A good friend of mine's son got married not long ago and he is in a world of hurt. I tried to warn him. When you marry the woman, you marry her family as well but you don't expect them to move in with you shortly after the vows have been exchanged. His wife bought a crossbow for hunting before they got married. I told him he would wake up one morning with an arrow sticking out of one of his ass cheeks.

She takes "working" vacations in foreign lands while he eats peanut butter sandwiches, she goes shopping for new cars while he drives a clunker, and he is whipped (or should be) unto the next generation.

The Golden Ticket

I had a dream, not along the lines of Martin Luther King, but this one was about about the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory the other night. Thinking back on that movie, there was a serious absence of hot women in that movie. A little bit of nudity and a few topless babes running around would have helped that movie out tremendously. Anyway most people believe that dreams are representative of something, usually something buried deep in their psyche or something that has recently happened. In my dream, I played the part of the young boy looking for that elusive ticket that would get him a tour of Willy Wonka's factory. A little bit of nudity and a few topless babes running around would also have helped this dream out a lot. My dreams are usually full of naked women.

The term "golden ticket" is used quite often as a metaphor. When I awoke from the dream, I was trying to figure what could be representative of my golden ticket. My golden ticket is my ticket out of the job I have held for 26 1/2 years and I really do not enjoy so much any more. That left me thinking what is my golden ticket? I would love to believe it is my writing but with all of 15 followers, I am thinking that many not be it.

The Date Manifesto

My writer friend Kim and I were talking about our blogs one day not long ago and she asked me what I was going to do with "The Date Manifesto" since I was dating someone and essentially off the market now.

First of all, the end of a relationship is a real ego deflating, kick in the balls especially when you find out they were cheating on you within a couple of months of the beginning of the relationship, being honest with you was evidently not an option, and then they can somehow justify blaming you for the end of the relationship. I told Kim that I would probably keep the blog going as a means to help other people that are facing the same type of situation. That is really kind of ironic because my readership of "The Date Manifesto" is primarily made up of my ex-girlfriends or their friends. Maybe I am here just to help myself. Writing can be very cathartic and cleanse the soul.

Were You Even There?

I had to read a book for a Philosophy class in college called Lying by Sissela Bok. The basic premise of the book was if a person believes that something actually happened and they lie about it, is it actually a lie since they believe it to be true?

That being written, it never ceases to amaze me how two people can share an event or a series of events and have a completely different interpretation of what happened during that time. It ends up not even sounding like they were not even in the same place. However, there is no doubt in my mind that the girl that was telling the story remembers it this way. I also want to note that this particular girl is a borderline psycho with a tendency to lie in order to get whatever it is she wanted. Why did I date this girl you ask? A set of 40 DD's can cover quite a few lies. It was hard to tell the lies from the truth when my face was buried between the 40 DD's.

A mutual friend of mine called me and asked me about some of the stories 40 DD was telling. I was amazed at the depth of her story and how far it was from what actually happened. I quickly refuted the version told by 40 DD. 40 DD's version was ripped straight out of the pages of Fantasy Island. My immediate response was "You have got to be kidding me! She actually said that?" I could not help but laugh. According to Sissela Bok, was 40 DD really lying if she honestly believed what she was telling was true?

A Beautiful Snow

I love taking walks in the snow. Snow is one of Mother Nature's most beautiful creations. The whole world seems to be at peace when a gentle snow is falling. If you listen, you can actually hear the snow hitting the ground when you are walking, especially at night.

One of the best dates I ever had was a walk I took through downtown Asheville one night before Christmas over three years ago. It was cold, a light snow was falling, and Asheville was all lit up and full of the Christmas spirit. My life really slowed down that night and allowed me take a step back and really see life through a different set of eyes. They were still my eyes but for that one night, they belonged to someone else.

The Dating Archives

Almost everyone has dating stories of dates gone horribly wrong and I probably have more than my fair share. My college years could best be described as a segment in the movie Animal House but I tried hard (who am I kidding? I tried little but I was good at what I did (which was History, by the way), I graduated, and had a helluva good time.

I used to drink a little in college. Some of the time. Most of the time. All of the time. Some of that drinking caused me to get in a little bit of trouble and to exercise a little bit of bad judgement.

I was at this party at a friend of mine's house one night and I really got plastered. The last thing I remember was talking to this really cute blonde. At some point and time the cute blonde switched places with this girl that could have been a member of the Dallas Cowboys. About four hours later I woke up with this girl, fully clothed I might add, in my apartment. I do not know how that happened. My friends at the party had seen me leave with her, my roommates had seen me bring her home, so I had some serious damage control to do. I knew I didn't do anything with her because I passed out way before then and that is the truth.

When I woke up, I realized what had happened (and what didn't happen), went out and snagged my two roommates and it took all three of us to carry her out to our front steps and leave her. I felt guilty about that (I got over it), and she was gone the next morning.

I tried my damnedest to avoid everyone that had seen me with her that night for about two weeks but my "night of shame" eventually caught up with me. I still hear about it from one of my roommates.

Time To Think

I think Frank Sinatra may have said it best in his classic "My Way"
Regrets, I've had a few
but then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
and saw it through without exemption

When you are stuck in your house with an alcoholic roommate and a grouchy ass dog, you have a tendency to think to much. The possibilities for me are endless but I do not believe the possibilities exist here.

It is time I followed Frankie's advice and followed it through without exemption. It is time I did it my way and without regret.

Am I A Hater?

One morning a couple of weeks ago I was accused of hating someone (an ex-girlfriend). Hate is such an ugly word. I will be the first to admit that I hated the way she treated me, I hated what she did to me, and I hated the way she handled things (and is still handling things.) I did not or do I hate her the person. She is a Mom and a daughter and someone I used to care very deeply about.

Do I have a reason to hate her? Yes I probably do but that type of feeling is very counter productive and a large reason as to why I have been able to stay friends with almost all of my ex-girlfriends. At one point and time, they were all positive contributors in my life. Me and this ex will never be friends again. Her actions spoke louder than any of her words ever could.

The Final Say

I got a "text lashing" from an ex-girlfriend yesterday and I guess it was the final say for both of us. Accusations wered made, angry texts flew back and forth and my final words were "be happy." She told that my belief that I was not "that guy" is "bullshit" and that I have my final say in my blog all the time where I take my shots at her. I have a simple solution for that- stop reading my blog.

I must admit that some have been directed at her whereas most have been a composite of several of the psychos I have dated. I believe that my ex-psychos comprise the large majority of my readership. I guess it is like watching a train wreck- they want to see what I have to say and what my interpretation of events were.

I was told I am full of "bitterness and spite." Einstein defined insanity as doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. What result did she expect? The guys who are just after sex can let it go much easier than I can. I am still not "that guy" and I will never be that guy. I stand behind that statement. Be as happy as you say you are or at least stay on your medication.

Platonic Friendships

My platonic friendships are what keeps me going most of the time. I don't believe jealousy has a place in a trusting relationship. I have found jealousy to be counter productive. History has also taught me that if they are acting jealous, then they are probably the one that is up to something. The jealousy is overcompensation to cover up what they are doing. I have been through it before and refuse to go through it again. My faithfulness has cost me before but as I have said many times, I refuse to be "that guy."

Ex-Girlfriends

Today was a blast from the past. I heard from four ex-girlfriends today and when I heard from the third one, it started getting kind of spooky. It was kind of like an episode of "This Is Your Life."

I know one I probably won't be hearing from anytime soon, but I can only handle so much. Most of my ex's and I have managed to remain friends and one of them had informed me that she had received some very bad news. She has breast cancer. She sent me a text message while laying in the hospital bed waiting on them to remove the tumor. I haven't heard back from her yet.

All of these women and I have something in common and that is that our friendship was able to survive us dating. I am glad that we did because they rank among my best friends.

Salt In The Wound

I got a text message from an Ex-Girlfriend at 1:28 AM last night. The title of one of my last blogs was called "Depression." I am in a bad physical state and a bad mental state as well. She evidently read this blog and her only comment about my blog was "interesting."

To her credit she did apologize for everything she had done to me and in an attempt to make me feel better, she told me that the man she cheated on me with and her "were doomed from the start." No it did not make me feel any better. It must have been shortly after this that she tried to have sex with me in my driveway. She then went on to tell me that she had found someone to love "with all I am" (her words) and once again apologized for hurting me and how happy she now was.

My response was "You lied to me, cheated on me, and jerked me around." I thought those were all fair statements and I threw in there somewhere that she referred to herself as a "whore" and a "horrible person." (once again, her words).

She went on to tell me "one of the things I did not like about you was your negativity." The truth is sometimes a tough pill to swallow and with this statement, she had a point. I was very negative. I never had the heart to tell her this but she may have been more negative than me. I was tired of hearing about her ex-husband and other family members and about this artist's group she was associated with. Yet, I was the negative one.... interesting.

I do not appreciate the fact that she picked one of my lowest of times to send this text message and to me, that is pouring salt in the wound. There is nothing more that I can say about this experience. I cannot help but feel sorry for someone like that.

Severe Depression

I make light of a lot of things in my blogs but there is one thing that I cannot make light of anymore and that is the fact that I am severely depressed. The list of reasons are a mile long and I guess it is kind of pointless to list all of hem or any of them really. I guess what really pushed me over the edge was my failing health and the realization that the healthcare system will not take care of my multitude of health problems unless I cut them all a big check first. The bothersome part about that is that I have health insurance through the company that I work for. I am in mind numbing pain 24 hours a day and there is not a thing I can do about it and there is no help to be found.

I was writing in my journal last night when I had this epiphany about being depressed when I realized that I really do not want to be around my family or friends and I don't really know how this works but I am sure that it all builds into one final act. How long does the play last?

Moving On

Moving on. Two easy words but the hardest thing to sometimes do. Don't get me wrong. The women I have dated in the past have had no problems leaving me in the dust. I am not exactly sure what that says about me but it is what it is.

Anytime you make a move it should be for the better and to improve yourself or your siuation. I always use one of my best friends as an example and a point of comparison. I probably shouldn't and I definitely do not begrudge him the success he has had. He has had many jobs over the years but each time he made a move, it was a move upwards. Those calculated moves has allowed him to retire at 48 years old. The moral of this story is always move in a positive direction.

How We Met

Almost everyone has a story of how they met their significant other and I am no different. I can actually thank an ex-girlfriend of mine for the circumstances behind me meeting my current girlfriend.

My ex had bought me tickets to the Seattle Seahawks-Carolina Panthers game at the end of October and I needed my haircut before I hit the strip clubs in Charlotte that weekend. She worked as a hair stylist and was in there by herself the night before I was supposed to leave for Charlotte. I was really hesitant to go in there by myself because I thought she was very attractive and I even walked by the entrance to the salon four or five times before I worked up the courage to go in. I am really kind of shy and usually end up saying the dumbest things.

I looked like hell that night. My hair was a lot longer than normal, I had moussed my hair to the extent of it being like a block of cement (she referred to my hair as "crunchy"), and I had a University of Tennessee hoodie on. So much for first impressions. It was real close to closing time for her so it was just me and her alone in the salon.

I must have done or said something right because she looked me up at my job three days later when I came back from Charlotte. We went to lunch that day and really hit it off and went out on our first date the next night. That is the first time I have met a woman the old fashioned way in a long time.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Some painful memories are left buried in the deepest, darkest corner of your mind. Sometimes they come creeping out when you least expect it. I took a trip down memory lane this past weekend that I could have and probably should have avoided.

I returned to the "scene of the crime" this past weekend and I probably should have avoided it altogether. That is one reason I began to date women that do not live in my town. In case it went bad, I would not have to go back.

By going back, most people who utilize "psycho babble" as a means of explanation would have said I was seeking closure. I did not get the closure that I seek and I probably never will. The trip was more emotional for me than I thought it would be and since I was with a woman that loves me dearly, I bottled it up on the inside. She doesn't deserve for me to share that hurt. She deserves much better than that and probably deserves better than me.

As I walked around the town, all I could think of was the deceipt and the lies that were used to bring me to this point. I still do not believe that I know the full truth and probably never will. I don't think it really matters because I believe I can guess as to what the truth is.

I believe that I did not deserve any of it especially what was told to her secret partner in crime. Words do have the ability to injure and to harm and sometimes even maim. I also believe that it is the words that are left unspoken that sometimes injure the most.

She is happy now and that is all that ever really mattered to her. I am left with a bruised and battered ego that I am trying to nurse back to health as best I can.

A Weekend Away

My girlfriend and I took a weekend trip together for the first time since we have been dating. We have only been dating about 2 1/2 months and I thought a short trip out of town would be a good gauge to see if this had a chance to go anywhere or not. If someone gets on my last nerve after only two days, then the relationship may not have a chance.

We only went about 45 minutes away and I will be the first to admit that we should not have gone out of town when my Seattle Seahawks had a playoff game on Saturday night. I was going to be in front of a TV whether it was Hooter's or the hotel or wherever.

Whenever you spend time togethere away like that, you learn things about each other that could develop into concerns. One of my pet peeves is being late. I live my life like I am in a hurry and I hate waiting.

The most important thing is did we get along? The answer to that is yes, we did. Too much togetherness is hard on me. I need my "me time." All relationships are give and take and I will sacrifice a little bit of my me time and she even watched all of the game with me. That is a trade off I can live with.

In Touch With My Inner Longfellow

You can do almost any research you want to on the internet. The internet has allowed me to get in touch with my inner Longfellow. Today's gem is "There is no grief like the grief that does not speak." Pretty insightful stuff for a 19th century writer.

The Use Of My Longfellow

The use of my Longfellow is quite famous in certain circles of the dating world. Today I found the perfect quote for what I have been dealing with. "Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. It is time for me to share my Longfellow with the world.

The Final Act

Some of my stories have all of the makings of a Shakespearean Tragedy. All of my Tragedy's have a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning usually starts out with hope and promise, the middle becomes filled with doubt because of lies and cheating, and a long, painful end that is filled with regret.

When the Final Act has reached it's conclusion, the play (and the Tragedy) should be over. Unfortunately for me, the Final Act is not over until long after the curtain has dropped. In my last Tragedy, I tried to perform one last decent, thoughtful act (and I really overplayed it which is completely all on me) and it somehow managed to blow up in my face.

I guess the Final Act is really not over until the curtain catches on fire and the theatre burns to the ground. That would be a true "Dan Tragedy."

A Learning Experience

This past year was a learning experience for me. Some of the lessons were very hard to take. I learned that people are not always what they seem, they are not as virtuous as they claim to be, and they would rather try to hide behind a lie than stand before the truth. I was in a few relationships that I thought had long term potential. As it turns out, I was committed to them but they were not committed to me.

That opens the door to be cynical and give up on humanity. I also learned the hardway that most people are out for themselves. Giving up on people would be the easy way out. I realize that people make mistakes and some are genuinely sorry for what they have done. I am in a relationship now but I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I have been hurt too many times to completely bare my heart again. That is really not fair to my relationship partner but I feel the need to protect myself first.

I have thought about changing who I am. I consider myself a nice guy, faithful as a lap dog, and I try to be very considerate of others people's feelings. Changing who I am would be committing that second wrong and would be treating people the way I have been treated. People do what they do and I cannot control or change their behavior. The only thing I can control is how I react. That will always be a work in progress.