Ex-Girlfriends

Today was a blast from the past. I heard from four ex-girlfriends today and when I heard from the third one, it started getting kind of spooky. It was kind of like an episode of "This Is Your Life."

I know one I probably won't be hearing from anytime soon, but I can only handle so much. Most of my ex's and I have managed to remain friends and one of them had informed me that she had received some very bad news. She has breast cancer. She sent me a text message while laying in the hospital bed waiting on them to remove the tumor. I haven't heard back from her yet.

All of these women and I have something in common and that is that our friendship was able to survive us dating. I am glad that we did because they rank among my best friends.

Salt In The Wound

I got a text message from an Ex-Girlfriend at 1:28 AM last night. The title of one of my last blogs was called "Depression." I am in a bad physical state and a bad mental state as well. She evidently read this blog and her only comment about my blog was "interesting."

To her credit she did apologize for everything she had done to me and in an attempt to make me feel better, she told me that the man she cheated on me with and her "were doomed from the start." No it did not make me feel any better. It must have been shortly after this that she tried to have sex with me in my driveway. She then went on to tell me that she had found someone to love "with all I am" (her words) and once again apologized for hurting me and how happy she now was.

My response was "You lied to me, cheated on me, and jerked me around." I thought those were all fair statements and I threw in there somewhere that she referred to herself as a "whore" and a "horrible person." (once again, her words).

She went on to tell me "one of the things I did not like about you was your negativity." The truth is sometimes a tough pill to swallow and with this statement, she had a point. I was very negative. I never had the heart to tell her this but she may have been more negative than me. I was tired of hearing about her ex-husband and other family members and about this artist's group she was associated with. Yet, I was the negative one.... interesting.

I do not appreciate the fact that she picked one of my lowest of times to send this text message and to me, that is pouring salt in the wound. There is nothing more that I can say about this experience. I cannot help but feel sorry for someone like that.

Severe Depression

I make light of a lot of things in my blogs but there is one thing that I cannot make light of anymore and that is the fact that I am severely depressed. The list of reasons are a mile long and I guess it is kind of pointless to list all of hem or any of them really. I guess what really pushed me over the edge was my failing health and the realization that the healthcare system will not take care of my multitude of health problems unless I cut them all a big check first. The bothersome part about that is that I have health insurance through the company that I work for. I am in mind numbing pain 24 hours a day and there is not a thing I can do about it and there is no help to be found.

I was writing in my journal last night when I had this epiphany about being depressed when I realized that I really do not want to be around my family or friends and I don't really know how this works but I am sure that it all builds into one final act. How long does the play last?

Moving On

Moving on. Two easy words but the hardest thing to sometimes do. Don't get me wrong. The women I have dated in the past have had no problems leaving me in the dust. I am not exactly sure what that says about me but it is what it is.

Anytime you make a move it should be for the better and to improve yourself or your siuation. I always use one of my best friends as an example and a point of comparison. I probably shouldn't and I definitely do not begrudge him the success he has had. He has had many jobs over the years but each time he made a move, it was a move upwards. Those calculated moves has allowed him to retire at 48 years old. The moral of this story is always move in a positive direction.

How We Met

Almost everyone has a story of how they met their significant other and I am no different. I can actually thank an ex-girlfriend of mine for the circumstances behind me meeting my current girlfriend.

My ex had bought me tickets to the Seattle Seahawks-Carolina Panthers game at the end of October and I needed my haircut before I hit the strip clubs in Charlotte that weekend. She worked as a hair stylist and was in there by herself the night before I was supposed to leave for Charlotte. I was really hesitant to go in there by myself because I thought she was very attractive and I even walked by the entrance to the salon four or five times before I worked up the courage to go in. I am really kind of shy and usually end up saying the dumbest things.

I looked like hell that night. My hair was a lot longer than normal, I had moussed my hair to the extent of it being like a block of cement (she referred to my hair as "crunchy"), and I had a University of Tennessee hoodie on. So much for first impressions. It was real close to closing time for her so it was just me and her alone in the salon.

I must have done or said something right because she looked me up at my job three days later when I came back from Charlotte. We went to lunch that day and really hit it off and went out on our first date the next night. That is the first time I have met a woman the old fashioned way in a long time.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Some painful memories are left buried in the deepest, darkest corner of your mind. Sometimes they come creeping out when you least expect it. I took a trip down memory lane this past weekend that I could have and probably should have avoided.

I returned to the "scene of the crime" this past weekend and I probably should have avoided it altogether. That is one reason I began to date women that do not live in my town. In case it went bad, I would not have to go back.

By going back, most people who utilize "psycho babble" as a means of explanation would have said I was seeking closure. I did not get the closure that I seek and I probably never will. The trip was more emotional for me than I thought it would be and since I was with a woman that loves me dearly, I bottled it up on the inside. She doesn't deserve for me to share that hurt. She deserves much better than that and probably deserves better than me.

As I walked around the town, all I could think of was the deceipt and the lies that were used to bring me to this point. I still do not believe that I know the full truth and probably never will. I don't think it really matters because I believe I can guess as to what the truth is.

I believe that I did not deserve any of it especially what was told to her secret partner in crime. Words do have the ability to injure and to harm and sometimes even maim. I also believe that it is the words that are left unspoken that sometimes injure the most.

She is happy now and that is all that ever really mattered to her. I am left with a bruised and battered ego that I am trying to nurse back to health as best I can.

A Weekend Away

My girlfriend and I took a weekend trip together for the first time since we have been dating. We have only been dating about 2 1/2 months and I thought a short trip out of town would be a good gauge to see if this had a chance to go anywhere or not. If someone gets on my last nerve after only two days, then the relationship may not have a chance.

We only went about 45 minutes away and I will be the first to admit that we should not have gone out of town when my Seattle Seahawks had a playoff game on Saturday night. I was going to be in front of a TV whether it was Hooter's or the hotel or wherever.

Whenever you spend time togethere away like that, you learn things about each other that could develop into concerns. One of my pet peeves is being late. I live my life like I am in a hurry and I hate waiting.

The most important thing is did we get along? The answer to that is yes, we did. Too much togetherness is hard on me. I need my "me time." All relationships are give and take and I will sacrifice a little bit of my me time and she even watched all of the game with me. That is a trade off I can live with.

In Touch With My Inner Longfellow

You can do almost any research you want to on the internet. The internet has allowed me to get in touch with my inner Longfellow. Today's gem is "There is no grief like the grief that does not speak." Pretty insightful stuff for a 19th century writer.

The Use Of My Longfellow

The use of my Longfellow is quite famous in certain circles of the dating world. Today I found the perfect quote for what I have been dealing with. "Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. It is time for me to share my Longfellow with the world.

The Final Act

Some of my stories have all of the makings of a Shakespearean Tragedy. All of my Tragedy's have a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning usually starts out with hope and promise, the middle becomes filled with doubt because of lies and cheating, and a long, painful end that is filled with regret.

When the Final Act has reached it's conclusion, the play (and the Tragedy) should be over. Unfortunately for me, the Final Act is not over until long after the curtain has dropped. In my last Tragedy, I tried to perform one last decent, thoughtful act (and I really overplayed it which is completely all on me) and it somehow managed to blow up in my face.

I guess the Final Act is really not over until the curtain catches on fire and the theatre burns to the ground. That would be a true "Dan Tragedy."

A Learning Experience

This past year was a learning experience for me. Some of the lessons were very hard to take. I learned that people are not always what they seem, they are not as virtuous as they claim to be, and they would rather try to hide behind a lie than stand before the truth. I was in a few relationships that I thought had long term potential. As it turns out, I was committed to them but they were not committed to me.

That opens the door to be cynical and give up on humanity. I also learned the hardway that most people are out for themselves. Giving up on people would be the easy way out. I realize that people make mistakes and some are genuinely sorry for what they have done. I am in a relationship now but I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I have been hurt too many times to completely bare my heart again. That is really not fair to my relationship partner but I feel the need to protect myself first.

I have thought about changing who I am. I consider myself a nice guy, faithful as a lap dog, and I try to be very considerate of others people's feelings. Changing who I am would be committing that second wrong and would be treating people the way I have been treated. People do what they do and I cannot control or change their behavior. The only thing I can control is how I react. That will always be a work in progress.