Relationships And Strip Clubs

I will be the first to admit that I used to be a regular strip club patron. Strip clubs and relationships do not mix well together. Not too many men like the character Al Bundy on Married With Children can get away with it in real life. I realize that. I am more than willing to give up strip clubs for the right woman. If I have the right woman, I will not need a strip club. That was pointed out to me not long ago. Strip clubs are not the meaning of my life. I am a reasonably intelligent man, I have a good sense of humor, and I have decided to be totally honest with whoever I become involved with about my former days spent in strip clubs. Some women I have told I have never seen or heard from again, some felt it their womanly duty to give me complete hell before they hit the road running, and one other one has stuck around to find out what I am all about. I watched the movie The Blind Side the other night and they used the analogy of the character Sandra Bullock played of being "like an onion." There are several layers of me you have to peel back (although some women have wanted to peel my skull back like an onion) before you get to the essence that is me. Strip clubs are a part of my past and I do not want any surprises or skeletons falling out of my closet. I would like to think I am worth a little bit of extra effort.

What I Am Thankful For

Thanksgiving was a few days ago and in all I had going on, I didn't pause to reflect on everything that is good in my life. I have a very closed circle of friends but the those I do consider my close friends, are golden. The good thing about my friends is that they all bring something different to the table. One of my friends came into town yesterday and we talk to each other about once a week but we don't get to see each other that often. He brings a great business acumen to the table and he is my moral compass. Once in a great while, my morality needs to be pointed in the right direction. We had a great talk about everything that had been going on in my life lately and he gave some great advice and shared his intuition with me. One of my other friends in Charlotte has been known to be a bad influence on me but I am 47 years old, so I have to share in the blame for allowing myself to be influenced. Those two are kind of like the devil and angel sitting on my shoulder. The angel telling me to be good and find me a good relationship to settle into and the devil is telling me to do all things sleazy. Strip clubs, Thailand, or bust. The angel is winning right now, by the way, as far as trying to be good and stay away from the sleaze.

My Passions

Sometimes you control your passions, sometimes they control you. The one thing I am most passionate about, not including people, is my writing. I write blogs, I write in my journal (which I have been doing for the better part of 26 years), I write notes and letters to people, and I have even started writing a book that is almost finished, and the notes and research for several other novels. Some things that you write the old fashioned way, on a regular sheet of college ruled paper with a pen, you can never erase and you can never take back. I meant every word of what I wrote but that doesn't mean I should have necessarily felt the incredible need to share. I thought about suggesting that this particular document be burned and the ashes buried in the back yard or scattered to the wind but it was too late for that. I am guessing I wasn't even out of the driveway before this letter was being read. The theory was proposed that I needed/wanted her to know. That theory sounds plausible enough. How she knew that I will never know. I am thinking women's intuition bordering on witchcraft but I am talking a very good witch. The theory was also proposed that I worry too much and that theory is right on the money.

"The time for reflection. You see what you have now and embrace what is in front of you." I spend way too much time looking in the rear view mirror. What's done is done, even as recently as yesterday. I apologized for what I wrote but I was told that I should not apologize for being honest. I wonder if I can apologize for bad timing?

My Heart On My Sleeve

I am always trying to find the perfect song lyrics to fit with what I am feeling and tonight's music lyrics would be by Eve 6 entitled "Heart In A Blender." The lyrics say "Wanna put my tender heart in a blender, watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion." The character Jethro Gibbs on the television show NCIS has his own set of rules and he also relies on his "gut instinct" as a means to figure things out. When I can't figure out to communicate with women, I write them things. I have always considered myself to be a modern day Cyrano De Bergerac and tonight I think Cyrano should have stayed at home and I should have gone with my gut instinct and kept what I wrote to myself. I really do not know what I was thinking and I evidently did not know what I was writing either. I meant what I wrote but the timing was wrong and I did not spend enough time on it. I should have worked on it another month or two and then I still should have kept it to myself. I would love to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve but I just do not think I have it in me.

Staring Down My Demons

Today is the day that I chose to stare down my demons that are my emotions. That is a rather harsh way of putting it but I have never dealt with my emotions well. Especially the emotions surrounding my heart. The "secret" has finally been figured out and that is a little bit of a scary thing for me but it is a good kind of scared. As we go through life, we make so few honest and real "connections" whether it be friends or lovers. I posed the question "Do you believe in love at first sight?" The talked quickly turned to "Chemistry" and how it can not exist at all or how it can develop very quickly. She said that she need to hear me say the words. I guess, somewhere deep down, I need to say those words. My biggest fear is that they will mean nothing but in the end, it means something to me. I don't needed to hear those words repeated back to me because that has to come from each individual heart when that heart is ready.

If A Tree Falls

If I tell someone a secret that is only known to me, then that makes it real. It gives that secret a life and sometimes it takes on a life of its own. If I do not tell anyone that secret, then the secret cannot exist because no one knows but me. I was told this is a complicated concept and they used the analogy about "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make any noise?" If I don't make any noise, then no one can hear it. No one except for me.

It's A Secret

A "secret" is defined by Meriam Webster's Dictionary (the online version) "kept or hidden from view." I will be the first to admit that it is hard to keep a secret especially one that pertains to yourself. I almost feel obligated to tell someone but I can't quite bring myself to do it. Guys in general don't tell their own secrets unless it involves sex and women usually tell their secrets to their friends and/or co workers. Most people feel they have to tell somebody even if the secret starts with themselves. I have a secret but luckily I am not feeling that desire to tell anybody right now and I will keep this one "hidden from view" and buried way down inside. Some secrets should be hidden in the abyss.

The First Date

Some authors have an incredible way of making lines from a song or a movie fit perfectly into their story. I have always thought that Stephen King was a master at being able to pull that off. Most songs come from the life experiences of the author and as I was thinking about my first date with my beautiful lady friend the other night I kept thinking back to the song by the group Blink-182 entitled "First Date." Some of the lines to that song fit perfectly to what I was feeling and experiencing at that moment. Dating at 47 years old is not easy and I believe it is even harder at my age than it was at 16. After I met her and we were sitting in the restaurant, I couldn't help but think of the line in the song that says "I'm too scared of what you think". We talked our entire date which was just so easy with her. I suggested a movie and she pointed out we could not talk at a movie which made our date that much better. When the evening was coming to an end and we were standing by her car, the lines from the song go "I dread the thought of our very first kiss, a target I'm probably going to miss." On the first date it is especially awkward because you don't know if you are crossing any boundaries by kissing her or not so I posed the question to her "To kiss or not to kiss?" I am sure Shakespeare was probably in writer's heaven thinking "Dumbass! Paraphrasing my lines and then ruining them." She said, "I will leave that up to you," and that was liking Fat Albert if he wanted another cheeseburger. We kissed and it was very sweet and gentle and the perfect first kiss.

Friends

I was playing around on youtube this afternoon (one of the guilty pleasures of having a few days off) and I rediscovered the old mid-1970's song by Andrew Gold entitled "Thank You For Being A Friend." My friends have been on my mind a lot lately, both old and new, and the more I thought about it the more I thought that "sometimes the true measure of a friend lies in that they are there for you when you need them as well as when you don't need them." My beautiful new lady friend and I were talking the other night and she brought up the old show "Friends." It was a comedy but it was really about the dynamic that existed between a group of friends and how they interacted on a daily basis. Shakespeare said "All the world's a stage and we are merely players" and your friends are on that stage with you. Bringing up that television show got us to reminiscing about what we did with our friends when we were younger and her stories revolved around hitting the bars with her friends and drinking and that kind of thing and mine revolved around my college days with my friends. I dared not confess too much and I am not about to put them on here but I would love to get all of my friends together and have a "Friends" reunion of my own. Some of these guys (and women) I have not seen in 20 years and I really have no idea how many kegs of beer I would need but I do know it would be one hell of a party. I would want to ask all of the guys one question- How much did you confess to your wives about everything you have done? Some secrets according to man law you have to take to the grave.

To Text Or Not To Text

I greatly admire a woman that would rather talk to me on the phone for five minutes than send me a thousand text messages. It is way to easy to misunderstand the meaning behind some text messages and I would much rather hear a voice than read it on the screen. I guess it is the personal touch behind a phone call that I appreciate. Some women would rather text than talk (that doesn't even sound right) and I really hate text arguing. I guess I am strange in the aspect that I would rather be yelled at over the phone or in person than read a hateful message with a bunch of "!!!'s" behind it. So to my female friends who would rather text than talk, please pick up the phone and call me, I would love to hear from you....

A Good Kind Of Scared

My beautiful lady friend and I had our first "official" date last night and it was as every bit as good as the first "unofficial" one. We met at a local restaurant (one of my personal favorites) and it was smaller and more intimate than the one last night. I have found that she can carry on an intelligent conversation about anything with the exception of maybe sports but she is a Tarheel basketball fan so that covers any deficiencies that she may have in other sports. We ended up back at Barnes & Noble but that is fine by me because I think I am the true definition of a "book nerd." She is more politically aware than I am which is kind of ironic because I was a Political Science minor in college. She showed me one of the papers she had written for a college class that she had taken. It was a topic that the Professor had picked for her (never one of my favorite things to have thrust upon me) and her writing style is very concise, her points were well made, and I was impressed. We have so much in common it is kind of scary but it is a good kind of scared. We have a lot in common but a variety of interests and I can learn a lot from her. Life is a learning e4xperience whether it is about various subjects, human nature, or even myself. It was a great "first" date and once again, we sealed it with a kiss. I am looking forward to see where this goes. Once again, it is a little bit scary but it is a good kind of scared.

Conversation

Never understimate the power and intoxicating effect of conversation. Just conversation. I had a date last night with a beautiful lady just a couple of years younger than me and I met her on one of those dating websites. We chatted back and forth for a couple of days and then we exchanged phone numbers, we talked on the phone for a couple of nights, and then agreed to meet for dinner on Saturday night. I talked to her for almost three hours on the phone Thursday night which is some kind of a record for me. Usually I do not have that much to say. This beautiful lady and I have a lot in common, she is very intelligent and holds up her end of the conversation very well. I am really excited about having the chance to meet her. I will be the first to admit that my blind 77 year old mother has a more active social life than me. I spent most of the day Friday trying to scheme on how to move the date up by a day but luckily she took care of that for me and we agreed to meet last night. I was really nervous so I got there about 45 minutes early and wandered around Barnes & Noble until it was time to meet. I walk outside the Barnes & Noble and I see a Channel 13 News van setting up outside with cameras and I recognized one of the local news personalities. She told me later that they were having a "lighting of the Christmas tree" ceremony that night. I sat on a park bench in front of the restaurant and it sat up high and I could see everything going on in front of me. There were two boys throwing the football down in front of me, they were getting the Christmas tree ready for the lighting ceremony back behind me, and I am watching all of these couples walk around hand-in-hand, and some were with children and some people were waiting just like I was. Throw in some snow and I could have been James Stewart in Miracle on 34th Street. My first impression of my date was she is beautiful and we immediately eased into our conversation like we had known each other for years. I immediately felt comfortable and I felt at ease talking to her. After we finished our meal, we walked around for a while looking at the Christmas tree and the lights and so many people. It was a very festive atmosphere. We ended up getting some ice cream at the local shop and I thought it was a great first date. We got to know a little bit about each other, we shared stories, and we even talked about my writing. I felt like I could discuss anything with her without fear of judgement and that is a very comforting feeling. Our conversation lasted a little past Midnight and we ended it with a perfect first kiss (never underestimate the power of a kiss, either). It was very soft, sensual and very sweet. I cannot wait to see her again for our "real" first date tonight.

The Simple Life

Jack Kerouac once said, "One day I will find the words and they will be simple." The past week or so has made me think of ways I can simplify my life. I would love to adopt the philosophy of "less is more" but I don't know how I could get much less than this. When it comes down to it, the emotional baggage is more of a "burden" than any physical posession you could have or perform the upkeep on. Yoga, meditation, self-hypnosis.... I am sure all of them would help. I have been told by several people here lately that my writing is complete crap but that it may be, but it is also my therapy. I guess what is one person's crap is anothers unpolished Diamond. One day I will find the words and they will be simple. Those words may also only make sense to me.

My Writing

I will never tell a woman I am remotely interested in that I write a blog. I have always heard you should never say never but I am saying. I write what I feel at that moment. This last one thought I was way too negative and that is all she focused on was the negative. She thought it should be more "whimsical". I write with emotion. I write when I am emotional. I sometimes write with my heart on my sleeve. Life is sometimes negative. There has been a lot of negative things happen in my life lately. Writing is my therapy and it is a hell of a lot cheaper than paying a therapist. I am sorry that she found it so negative and it wasn't the laugh fest she thought it should be. I have heard a lot of her negative rants as well and I patiently listened and did not judge. I for damn sure did not tear into her about it although I did ask her opinion. I respect everyone's right to feel what they feel and I try to be there for them to help pick them up when they fall or trip. My car got broken into last night and I was lamenting that fact to another friend of mine and she told me "You are a good man. You don't deserve this." My response was What exactly has being a good man gotten me? Women do not want good any more. They want the bad guys. The one's who lie, cheat, steal, and treat them badly." Unfortunately, those guys are the ones that prosper but I can't quite turn that corner.

Little Red Riding Hood

At the place i work, the employees have the option of dressing up in some type of costume on Halloween for work instead of our normal dress code. Most of the costumes are pretty lame like some girl dressed up as a cat (how original is that?) but every once in a while, someone will dress up really well in a cool costume. A few days ago, one of the younger women in the store dressed up like Little Red Riding Hood and that costume was costume perfection. She had the red hood and the little dress and the whole works. Her being cute as hell didn't hurt any either. In real life, this girl acts all sweet and innocent and has that super sexy Southern accent so she even fit the part just about perfectly. I can easily see her going to Grandma's house. I never dress up but this is one time that I wished I would have dressed up as the Big Bad Wolf.