Puppet On A String

Women can sday what they want but they enjoy booty calls as much as men do. Some woman I dated for about three months back at the beginning of the Spring/Summer decided that she wasn't interested in the direction that she thought I wanted the relationship to go. She thought I wanted an exclusive relationship and she decided to end this part of our relationship through a text message. She still wanted to have a sexual relationship, "friends with benefits", but did not want me to be upset if she "wanted to date someone else." To be honest, I was tremendously insulted by this and I told her that I did not think that was possible. I have been a friend with benefits before and it has never been that beneficial for me.

I have not actually spoken to her in over four months now. We have communicated via text and through Facebook but have not actually spoken. Recently she has brought up the possibility of starting to have a sexual relationship again, friends with benefits. I am more open to the idea now because I am going in with my eyes wide open but it is how she phrases things. It's never "lets get together this weekend" or "what are you doing tonight?" although she did ask me to go to a local fair a couple of months ago. It's always "some day" or "one day soon". It's like she wants to keep me on a string to be available if all of her other options fail. I need more consideration and more of a notice than that. I also believe she doesn't want me to get the impression that we are "getting back together" but at the same time, she wanted to know if I was "seeing" someone. If it is all about the sex, why bother asking that question? One possibility could be that she doesn't want to interfere with anything I have going on but I believe it is more of a case of her wanting to know if there has been anyone after her or am I still carrying a torch for her. Once again, I don't see how that should matter but I am not a puppet on a string and it has to be at my convenience as well as hers.

A Hermit's Life

I am not that big on relationships right now as I think I have gone out with enough psychos to last me a lifetime (although I have been accused of being a "head case" in my own right) but I have noticed that when I am seeing someone, I get out a lot more and am more social (at least I try to act like it). We usually end up doing what they want to do because I am an accomodating guy but that gets old pretty quickly (see one of my previous posts on "Expiration Dates") and it doesn't last long. If I am not dating someone, I live the life of a hermit but I do think it is a good thing that I own a dog and not a lot of cats. That would be just plain weird. When I lived in Charlotte, I had a lot of single friends and it was easy to find a "partner in crime" whereas in Asheville, almost all of my friends are married and their girlfriends/wives do not want them hanging out with me. You go to a few strip clubs and you are branded for life.

The Expiration Date

As I have discussed many times before, dating at "pre- Middle Age" is tough and I have come to the conclusion that women and the dating cycle have an expiration date much like food or anything else that can go bad. Some relationships have a longer shelf life than others but they all have an expiration date. There are certain factors that go into determining when the expiration date is. The first sign of psychosis, neurosis, or even halitosis, then the expiration date has officially been reached and it is time to find a new one. There are a few other factors involved as well. The first control issues that appear, the first time they try to psychoanalyze me and tell me without any doubt, they know what my problems are and what makes me tick, then the expiration date has been reached. If their parents still have a large measure of control in their lives, then the expiration date will soon be reached. I was explaining my "Expiration Date" theory to a few women that I work with the other day and I was surprised when one of them totally agreed with me. She said "I wish I could do that." I realize the theory can work both ways. I have discovered that if these women that I choose to go out with display any of these tendencies early on in the dating cycle, then it is not going to get any better.

The Whole Truth

I have often wondered how much of your past should you reveal to a woman when you first start dating. Should you tell her the whole truth from the very beginning about your bachelor days or should you maintain an air of mystery and be very vague about your past and your past relationships? I am going to have to go with do not confess until you absolutely have to. What woman is going to want to hear that you used to hang out in strip clubs five nights a week or once went on a one week long strip club binge where you and a friend spent $5000? Or that you once dated a porn star want to be and the relationship epitomized the phrase "f*** like a porn star"? Or that you used to regularly go out with women that were 20 to 25 years younger than you? After reading all of this, why do I even want to be in a relationship? I really don't know who said "the truth shall set you free" but too much truth will definitely set you free. I think its good to keep a few secrets because you know she is keeping a few from you.

Nobody Said Life Was Fair

There are certain things in life that are just really unfair and if the concept of karma is correct, these events throw the greater cosmic karma way out of balance. Maybe it is something simple like a coworker gets an award at work you know they do not deserve, a guy gets a girl and you know he doesn't deserve her, or somebody becomes successful and you know they haven't put in a bit of work for it. Being bitter about it doesn't work because I have tried that, resenting those individuals also doesn't work because their life goes happily on while you put a halt to yours, and waiting on karma to come back around is the absolute worst. I may not live that long. Isolating yourself from the world also doesn't work because that is the theory I am currently working with and my dog is getting pissy. The only alternative I have left is to trudge on and try to creat positive things in my life. Right now, I positively want a lap dance but that is probably not going to work, either. All that is going to do is leave me broke, horny, and you know what comes after that.

The Party Is Over

As of 7 AM tomorrow morning, the party if officially over. I have to return to work after ten days off. One of the good things about tomorrow is that my friend and partner in crime also returns to work after being out for 7 months. It will be interesting for him to see how the dynamics have changed in just a short 7 months. I am going to try to think positive, visualize, and positive things will come my way.

Wasted Time

The 1980's Hair Metal Band Skid Row had a song called "Wasted Time" that has pretty much describes my current state of mind and situation as well as my vacation that is coming to a crashing end. There one line in the song that goes "Paranoid delusions they haunt you Where's my friend I used to know He's all alone He's buried deep within a carcass Searching for a soul" I have been on vacation for a week and I did nothing to change my current situation, my outlook on life, or anything productive to improve myself. Instead I elected to hide in my apartment with the doors locked and the blinds pulled tight. I would love to be able to snap out of this and develop a positive mindset and seek something positive rather than waiting on the bomb to drop. Maybe they are not the crazy ones, maybe it is me.

A Simple Choice

One of the lines in one of my favorite all-time movies, The Shawshank Redemption goes something like this- "I guess it's a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying." The backdrop for that scene was the main character Andy Dufresne (played by Tim Robbins) and his best friend Charlie Rose (played by Morgan Freeman) were leaning up against a brick wall talking about what they were going to do when (if) they got out of prison. My main focus in the past couple of months has been on dying. I need to give living one more try. That being said, I need "to get busy living."

Restless

I am very restless tonight and I do not take that as a good sign. I am restless in body, I am restless in mind, and I am restless in spirit. I have accomplished as much as I can. My writing does not even bring me much solace now. If life is a game then I am losing badly. There was a time when I had some keen insight into life and I could make a joke out of the most serious of situations. I guess the joke was on me the entire time.

Vacation

Vacation time used to be such a time of elation for me. That feeling of clocking out that last time before vacation officially starts was almost euphoric but that feeling was really tempered this time. I have been pretty beat up, physically and emotionally, over the course of the last month-and-a-half for reasons I do not completely understand. I have heard of people hitting rock bottom before and I am guessing that this is rock bottom for me. I look around my small one bedroom apartment and I see a few momentos of my 25 year Wal~Mart career that mean absolutely nothing to me and is more a source of embarrassment than it is anything. I have a small 5" x 7" plaque with my name and the month and year that my 25 years became official along with some facsimile autographs of the Wal~Mart heads that make millions of dollars and steer the ship, all in the name of Wal~Mart. People I will never meet and have no desire to meet. There is also a golden name badge to let the world know and everyone I see that I am "special" because of my length of service at Wal~Mart and a 25 year pin. It is not Wal~Mart's fault that I never realized any potential that I may have had coming out of college. That is my responsibility and mine alone. I also look around my tiny apartment and see alot of books and movies and stuff that I could have and should have been writing. I could be doing that now if I was able to dig myself out of this suicidal funk I have been in. the word "potential" is the worst word in the English language. It tells me that at one time I had a chance and an opportunity to make a contribution of some kind, any kind, to someone's life. Yet I sit here alone in my tiny apartment, feeling the breeze blowing through my windows, trying to decide what is next. The next, and the last step, is the end.

Going Back

I will be going back to Charlotte this next weekend, October 12th, for the first time in 22 months. December of 2011 was the last time i was in Charlotte and there are many reasons why but I won't bore you with the details. The number one reason I haven't been back is because of my health. I am not even 50 years old and it is pretty sad that I can't even get into my car and drive 100 miles because it causes too much pain. I first told my friends in Charlotte about it three weeks ago and they have been planning (and plotting) my return since the second I told them. Myran even announced my return to the Gold Club on his FELT (Future Ex-Pats To Live In Thailand) page on Facebook. I just have to survive the next week and I will be home free.

Dating Is Hard

Dating is hard at my age (the mid-40's). It is hard to find a woman around my age that is not carrying a ton of baggage (to be fair, some women would say I am carrying a little bit myself) and compatibility seems to be a huge problem. Most say they are looking for a nice guy (they are looking for money), stability (money, a nice house, and a nice car), they like to stay home (they want to be wined and dined every night), and they are not on these dating websites for sex or one night stands (although every picture they show is one looking straight down their shirt or a boob or an ass shot.) They do not want to see pictures of my "junk" but I am obligated to see pictures of their saggy boobs or flabby ass. They do not want to see pics of me without my shirt on either but I am not that brave. I do not want to see a pic of me without a shirt on. I am seriously considering the "hooker option." If the end game is truly sex, why not just cut out all the bullshit and make it a straight cash transaction. It would make a guys life (and mine) a whole lot simpler.

Why?

I would love to know why the women I run across in my life do not want me to have a good time. They don't want me going to Hooter's, The Tilted Kilt, or Twin Peaks or any strip club. Why can't I find a woman that says to me "Dan, you have been working hard all week long and you have been under alot of stress, why don't you to to a Nudie Bar and have a good time. Pick you out a stripper with huge knockers, go to the VIP room, and spend the whole night in there. Here is you a couple of hundred dollars to get you started...." Where is that woman?