The Worst Butt Dial Ever

Ladies this blog post has nothing to do with dating or anything like that so if you have a weak stomach, you may want to stop reading now. The other day I posted a blog on here called "Farting And Other Rude Noises." Yesterday afternoon, right after I laid down to take a nap, I received the worst butt dial in the history of the world. We'll call my friend Enrique to protect his identity. My cell phone starts going off and I reach over on my nightstand and the caller ID says it is "Enrique." I always have time to talk to my friends so I shook off the cobwebs and answered the phone. It was about time for his lunch hour so I figured he had more shenanigans from work to report. Enrique is famous for having to go to the bathroom almost immediately after he eats. He had butt dialed me from the bathroom, the "can", the "john", the "toilet", the "crapper", or whatever you choose to call it. From what I could tell from all of the noise going on, he must have had 7 bean burritos and washed it down with a gallon of tobasco sauce. Ricardo was absolutely tearing it up and he had no clue that he had butt dialed me. It was disgusting but I could not help but laugh. Needless to say, I hung up as quickly as I could so I did not have to hear any more.

My 100th Blog Post

Last night's blog post was my 100th blog post on Dan Dates Again and I am still no closer to figure the dating world out than when I started. From being called "jackass" to "male chauvinist pig" (it helps keep me grounded) I think my femaler readers totally believe that I have not figured it out either.First of all, I do try to approach everything with a sense of humor (think Al Bundy with a Master's Degree) but evidently humor does not come across well in a blog. Or maybe it just does not come across well in my blog. At any rate, my blog has been funny, sad, and I have tried to be introspective, and accept my faults for what they are. I am a "work in progress" and I am getting a little better. I try not to make the same mistakes twice but I am not perfect.

Taking Care Of Me

I have a very closed circle of friends. Some people can be friends with everyone but I take my friendships very seriously. I would take a bullet for them, a knife, or whatever I had to do. Financial and emotional difficulties are the two most common problems that you face and how my friends viewed me during my recent surgery left me in awe of them and paying them back doesn't seem enough. My girlfriend took great care of me, made sure I took my medication when I had to, made sure I got the rest I needed, counseled me thru various problems that popped up, and was there for me at the end of every when I needed her. My two best guy friends were also checking on me and lifting my spirits when they needed to be lifted and there were several of those times. I am surprised by the complete lack of respect that some people showed and I hope I neve act that way when they are sick and down or out. I operate on a completely different plane than they do or at least I hope I do.

The Butterfly Effect

I first heard this term in Stephen King's novel "11/22/1963". Everything that you do and every decision that you make has far reaching effects way beyond the present like the scattering of butterflies. It doesn't matter how small or inocuous the decision or action may seem, it may effect you tomorrow, one week, one year, or ten years down the road. This might especially be true in relationships. Relationships are tough anyway especially as you are getting close to middle age. It is so very hard to find someone that you are compatible with and can go in one direction with. You are looking for a best friend, a lover, and someone who is going to love you on your best days and love you even more on your worst days.

Home Turf

When you start dating a woman that lives in a different city, it kind of becomes a turf war. So far, I have spent all of my time on her turf and everything has been on familiar ground for her. Her restaurants, her bars, her friends, her old boyfriends (like I really want to hear about them one more time), her apartment, and everything else. She has not even crossed the state line. I don't mind it so much but it would be nice to stay on my home turf one time just to see how she would handle it. In any relationship like this, I think it is important to assimilate into each other's "culture". I like to think I have a very unique culture filled with a variety of interests and hobbies and I also like to think that I can hold up my end of the conversation on just about any topic. Some people do not like to leave their comfort zone.

Farting And Other Rude Noises

Since I just recently had surgery, I received a rare pass from my girlfriend on something that men rarely receive, and that was the pass on farting. I was "allowed" to fart when and where I needed to for as long and loud as I needed to for about a week after my surgery. Alas that week long moratorium is now over and it is back to blaming the poor sap that is either nearest me or the neighbor's cat, dog, or garbage (whichever I happen to see first). I took full advantage of the pass which I don't think my girlfriend minded so much, I believe it was all the theatrics and effort that I put into it. I used the classic leg cock, the astronaut lift off and a few others that I sometimes employ. I never was brave enough to use "pull my finger" although it would have been funny, at least to me. Women can fart whenever they want to because they see that as an "accident." Let a guy fart, and we have officially crossed whatever social line that there is for that sort of thing. I enjoyed my pass, I took full advantage of it, and now I am sad to see it go.

Not Much Of A Debate

Evidently "My Great Filet Mignon Debate" did not stir up the debate that I was hoping it would. According to a few of my sources, if I ask a woman out for dinner, I am "obligated" to purchase for her the meal she desires, no matter what the cost. The assumption is that if ask her out, I can afford it. I usually ask where they would like to eat, what kind of food they like to eat, etc., but that doesn't mean I want them to order pages 4 through 8 of the menu, either. It is rather rude to discuss anyone's financial statements before you go out to eat but ladies, take it easy on the guys wallet. I don't mean to talk into the clown's head at the drive through of the local fast food place but a good meal, great conversation, and a good time can be had for a decent price. There is plenty of time to leave the poor sap heartbroken and penniless later on.

The Great Filet Mignon Debate

Nobody loves a good steak more than I do. After having the fabulous and lucrative career in retail that I have had my entire adult life however, sometimes you have to settle for a little bit less than a good steak, and a medium steak will have to do. Several of the women I have gone out with over the past year have told me in no uncertain terms that they will only eat a Filet Mignon. You can't forget the glass of wine either. Sometimes that means I will be ordering the "bread and water" special so they can have their Filet Mignon. Sometimes you cannot afford "caviar wishes and champagne dreams" on a "sardines wishes and pork n' beans dreams" budget. Please ladies, take that into consideration when you are looking over the menu.

The Language Of A Hug

Over the years I have come to understand that hugs come in all forms, shapes, and sizes. They also mean very different things. I usually reserve my hugs for women. There are friendship hugs where nothing but the warmth of a hug brings a smile to your face and makes you feel good all over, there are "hello, how have you been hugs?", a quick hug that lasts no longer than 2 or 3 seconds and means that you haven't seen each other in a while, and there is the lover's hug, one that is more personal and intimate and signifies a much closer relationship. There is also another category of hug that is open to a lot of interpretation. If you make the right interpretation, you might get lucky. Make the wrong intepretation, you might end up unemployed with a pending sexual harassment lawsuit filed against you. This is the type of hug where the girl gets so close to you while hugging that you almost believe that you are wearing the same clothes and she holds you good and tight and doesn't want to seem to let go. Then she comes back for round two. Where does interpretation end and fantasy begin?

Predicting My Future

Some people love predicting my future, whether it be my demise or my eternal happiness. I suppose my demise and my eternal happiness could be one in the same. One of my writer friends is predicting wedding bells for me and that is a little bit soon for that. All I want to do is write but I can't seem to find peace of mind enough to do that. After my recent surgery and the emotional ups and downs that I have had, I can't afford to rush blindly into anything. When it comes to my writing, I am at my best when I am at my most emotional. What does that mean for my future? I need to learn to make my emotions work for me. If I could only learn to turn them on and off like a faucet.

Fantasy Girl

Every time I hear the 80's rock group .38 Special's song "Fantasy Girl" it takes me back to my senior year of college. Me and two of my friends had moved into an apartment near campus and moving day on a college campus is always hectic. There are so many things to do, so many new neighbors to meet, and so many parties to try to go to. Every guy, at some point and time in his life, sees his "Fantasy Girl". She is beautiful, she is sexy, and she is usually someone you can never have. I saw my Fantasy Girl on moving day my Senior Year of college. Dark hair, beautiful brown eyes, the sweetest smile, and a very nice body. Unfortunately I saw her butthead boyfriend standing beside her about 5 seconds later. I tagged her with the nickname "Fantasy Girl" (at least that is what me and my friends called her) and it kind of stuck. A few weeks later I learned her name was Susan but Fantasy Girl seemed so much more appropriate and that was the name that stuck. As the school year went on, I got to know her a little bit better and she was as sweet and nice as she was beautiful. I even got to help her with a History paper in the second semester and that was about the only time in four years of college that being a History Goob ever paid off for me. I would love to say I went out with her at least one time but mere mortals such as myself did not go out with Greek Goddesses and my Fantasy Girl was just that, a fantasy. The thought of her still brings back a ton of good memories.

Taking A Walk

I had to have surgery recently as I had to have my Gall Bladder removed and my "girlfriend" was beside me every step of the way. I hesitate to even call her my girlfriend because we have truly not defined our relationship yet and I do not want to push that enevelope to far, to fast and miss out on a great thing. After all of the surgery was over and everything, I was laying on the bed getting my post-op instructions and I was pretty out of it but I distinctly remember her saying that I should walk as much as possible to help in the healing process. The next morning when I was a little more lucid, my girlfriend and I were sitting there talking and she mentioned the walking part of my recovery program. I pointed out that a strip club named Platinum Plus was only about a half-mile from here and that I could walk down there. Her immediate response was "If you walk down there you can just stay your ass down there!" She said it so quickly and so point blank, I couldn't help but laugh. The harder I laughed, the more it hurt but it was so funny. We ended up deciding that I should just walk around the parking lot of her apartment complex. She easily won that discussion.