The End... At Least For Now

I saw yesterday as the end of a lot of things. I decided to take a vacation from this blog (I am sure my "readers" will be heartbroken) and I really have no plans to write anything else in it. I could state the reasons why but the reasons really only matter to me. I think I wrote some good stuff for Dan Dates Again and then the The Date Manifesto but it became a source of great pain and frustration. Why should I do that to myself?

I am going to devote my time working on my sports blogs and Molly's World (like anyone reads them either) and doing research and working on the novels I am going to finish if it kills me. Greek philosopher Epictetus wrote "If you want to be a writer, write." That is exactly what I am going to do. Nobody may read it but I can always make family buy a copy and self publishing can make an author out of anyone.

Road Trips

I love road trips. I don't care if it is just 50 miles from home. I just love the thought of packing a bag, taking my journal and my camera, and hitting the road less traveled. Sometimes my dog Molly gets to go with me but more often than not, she has to stay in a doggie hotel of her own. I love taking the back roads and going to towns and events that I have never been to before.

One of the best road trips I ever took was when I went to Appomattox Courthouse, VA one year. I am a big Civil War buff and a huge baseball fan so most of my road trips include one or the other or both. When we came back to North Carolina we decided to stop by my alma mater Appalachian State University in Boone, NC, to catch a college football game. In order to get there we had to take a two lane road that took us through the mountains of southwestern Virginia. The scenery was great because it was at the beginning of the Fall, the leaves had started to turn, and I will never forget a dam we ran across in a town called Mouth-Of-Wilson, VA. We got lost, of course, but that is part of the beauty of traveling the back roads. I just wish that digital cameras were around back then.

It is great if you can share a road trip with someone but I do not hesitate to go by myself. Life is about the journey and no matter what road you take, you can reach your destination. It makes it even better if you get to see the sights on your way.

Going "Home" Again

"Make your mistakes, take your chances, look silly, but keep on going. Don't freeze up." Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again.

I followed Thomas Wolfe's advice and I made my mistakes, I took my chances, and I am going to keep on going but about 100 miles to the east. I am going "home" again this weekend. Not my real home but my adoptive home of Charlotte. It is just the breath of fresh air that I need. I have really been beat up emotionally and physically over the course of the past week but I am going to a place where I get to be unapologetically me. My friends are looking forward to me coming down for the weekend, a party has been planned, and a great time will be had.

It has been 4 years since I have been "home." The last time I was there was my birthday in 2010. It was a party then too. My friends are happy to see me, they value the time they get to spend with me, and they treat me special. You can't ask for anymore than that. Everyone should get to feel special once in a while.

It's Not Easy Being Me

Rodney Dangerfield said "It's not easy being me." Rodney, I feel your pain.
"Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly." Epictetus

I am unapologetically me. I have used the word "unapologetically" a lot here lately. I have spent the past several years getting to know myself as Epictetus suggested. Sometimes I liked what I saw and other times, I realized I needed to make a drastic change, especially in the way I treated people. I would like to believe I am on the right track. I like to incorporate a lot of different philosophies and principles into my belief system. I borrow from many different religions, philosophers, and great thinkers, some from the past and some from the present.

I used to work with a guy who was a mechanic at a store I worked at and his father and two sisters were extremely wealthy. I was giving him a hard time one day because he was not wealthy like the rest of his family. He told me that his family had sold their soul for money. He told me "I work hard, I treat everyone as well as I can, and at the end of the day, I sleep like a baby." An excellent philsophy with the exception of the working hard part. I haven't exactly got the sleeping like a baby part down pat either.

The Art Of Forgiveness

Being able to forgive people is definitely an art form. Most of my girlfriends often question how I am able to stay friends with my other ex-girlfriends (that is before they become my ex-girlfriends). I count as some of my best friends two of my ex-girlfriends and even my ex-wife. It took a little bit of work to get past some of our issues but we did share some intimate space at one point and time. We had some good times and I try to focus on those.

I tried a long time ago to learn how to forgive people. Am I going to be pissed at you at first? Yes, I am. I believe that is human nature. If I was the one that committed the wrongs, I started with an apology and tried to work my way from there. I did ask for forgiveness. That does not mean they forgave me but I felt better about myself and my apology was heartfelt and genuine. I just wanted them to know I was truly sorry. I want people to remember the good about me.

I read somewhere that letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for kindness, compassion, and peace. It is not even necessary for the other person to ask for forgiveness but it is important for me to grant it. That is when my healing begins.

Does it mean that I am going to trust you again? No it does not. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. I believe trust can be earned back but that in itself is a slow process. I try to have people in my life that are going to make my life better and add something to my life. I know some really beautiful people. Some people choose not to be in my life after we have crossed paths and that is fine too. I may not add something to their life.

Someone sent me something today because they knew I was feeling bad about myself and rather than quote the entire thing I will just quote the last line. "Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away." Sometimes I come back and sometimes it is better if I just keep on walking.

Gran Torino

I sat down and watched the Clint Eastwood movie Gran Torino the other night and it made me think of two things. The character Clint Eastwood played was a carbon copy of my father. The other thing is the car my parents gave to me to drive back and forth to work one summer while I was in college. It was a 1974 Ford Gran Torino station wagon with wood panel siding. It was built like a tank but it was something a 1970's housewife would have driven. It was also one of a kind especially in a small town like I grew up in.

I was embarrassed to drive that thing around town with the exception of to work and back and I believe that may have been Pops intention. It is hard to be the life of the party when you are driving something like that. My college years were the peak of my party years and that included the summers while I was at home. I thought I was never going to pick up girls in that thing but I was not to be deterred. My friend David talked me into taking the Gran Torino uptown one night and I soon learned that about eight girls would fit into the back of it. The wood paneled embarassment turned into the party wagon. It is too bad I did not learn its secret sooner. Its one of a kindness also came in handy because everyone knew it was me coming.

I grew to love that station wagon but Pops did not allow me to take it back to school with me so I could try its charms out up there. Pops sold it to one of our neighbors before I came home the next summer. I am sure it is resting comfortably in a junk yard somewhere but the memories of that summer with the Gran Torino live on.

The Bad Break Up

My girlfriend and I broke up the other day. No break up is easy. My mind was instantly filled with things I could write to "get even" in a sense. I was going to publicly (or semi-publicy- I don't exactly have a large audience) publish them on this blog and show the world (or at least 10 readers) how badly I had been hurt by this break up. One or two of them made it on here and I have several more written and in reserve and just waiting for me to hit the "publish" button. I ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it. I decided it was childish and immature and I do not want to be that way. I do not want to be that guy. Ever. I cannot look to the future if I am still looking at my past.

Those blogs may make it on here one day in the future but they will not be intended to hurt but my more comical side will be evident. I will say that it will be a while before I become involved again but that is for me to decide. I am going to be unapologetically selfish for a while and I am looking forward to that.

The Art Of Being Selfish

Evidently there is an art to being selfish and having a clear conscience about it. I have not discovered what that secret is yet. Some people can do whatever they want to do and expect to get their way every time. If they do not get their way it starts falling apart.

I consider myself a giving person. Others that I know (and have been out with) would dispute that fact. I am more than willing to make sacrifices in order to be with someone but those sacrifices do not necessarily mean anything other than my time. Walter Lang said "Time was God's first creation." Time can be given freely but it can be the most valuable thing you own.

I try to put my girlfriend first. I have been told that is not necessarily the case. I feel guilty if I do anything for myself. To hell with it.

I could have a self-debate about this subject forever. I am going to be selfish for a while. I am going to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I refuse to involve other people in my selfish acts. I am not out to hurt anyone. I am going to stay off of the dating websites and try to stay away from any emotional entanglements whatsoever. I am not going to become involved in other people's miserable mess of a life because I do not need it. I am going to be unapologetically selfish and be damn happy about it.

One More Time

In my rush not to be "that guy" I set myself up to be treated like a chump. I wish I could be that guy. I really do. Then I could act without a heart and without any conscience whatsoever and throw them to the side with standard lines like "we are moving to fast" and "I wasn't ready" and "we shouldn't have started this." I wish I could then do things to make them want to break up with me instead of having to do it myself. That way I could avoid looking them in the eye and seeing the pain and I could play the victim. I could complain to my "friends with benefits" that I never let go about how they "do not understand me" no matter how well they have treated me. Oh, to be that guy. It is not in me to be that guy. I guess I will have to continue to pay the price when I keep going out with "that girl."

It's A Facebook World

I was reminded the importance of the Social Media on relationships this afternoon when I had a family member ask me how my girlfriend and I were doing. Neither me or my girlfriend have really been active on Facebook for the last little while because we have both been busy with work. I guess this inactivity signaled a potential problem to my family members. There is no problem but I remember when we both changed our relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship", it was the first time I had used the phrase "Facebook official." It seems that it is not a life event unless you post it on Facebook.

Facebook is just not for the younger generation any more but people put too much emphasis on Facebook. Friendships have been strained, relationships ruined, and crimes have been committed all because of Facebook. Facebook is also used as a tool to track and capture criminals by the authorities.

I got on Facebook about 5 or 6 years ago. I got on Facebook because it amused me and I thought it was something I could have fun with. I was able to track down old high school and college friends and make several new friends to almost every corner of the globe. Facebook has caused me many problems over the years and now the power of Facebook scares me.

The Book Nerd

I am a Book Nerd. Plain and simple. Luckily for me, my girlfriend is too. I was able to take Saturday off so we had a quick date night planned for Friday night. We have both been working a lot lately so our schedules were not quite meshing and we had not had the opportunity to do anything social for about two or three weeks. I really wanted to go to Barnes & Noble so I made sure that was on the night's agenda. Going to a book store is very relaxing for me and a great way to unwind.

We went out to eat first and the Barnes & Noble is right around the corner. I have certain sections I go to first. I always go to Sports, History, the Clearance rack, the Magazine Rack, and new Fiction but not in any particular order. My girlfriend goes to the Children's section (she is a teacher) and Art (she is also an Artist). I found a couple of books and a magazine I was interested in so I decided to walk around for a bit while I made my decision on which one(s) to get. I found my girlfriend and she was sprawled out on the floor with a small stack of books laying beside her. Is that not great or what?

The Monday Morning Blues

My case of Monday morning blues was real bad this past Monday. I have been working a lot of hours and only getting one day off for the past couple of weeks. Work has dominated my life during that time. Sleep has never been my friend so that makes it that much tougher. I have to sneak up on rest when I can whether it be a fifteen minute nap in the afternoon or dozing off at lunchtime. Being tired all of the time puts a strain on every other part of my life.

Outside of this past Saturday when me and my girlfriend managed a quick one night get away to Ralph's Place, my social life has ceased to exist, all for the glory of my job. I have always used the philosophy "I work to live, not live to work." There are about one or two months a year that my job believes otherwise.