All About That Bass

There have been too many songs to count that are dedicated to a woman's ample backside and one of the latest, Meghan Trainor's "All About That Bass", was introduced to me at about 4:30 this morning and I have been singing it all day long. "Cuz I can shake it shake it like I'm supposed to." The song has a cutesy video to go along with it but it fits the song perfectly. The emphasis to that particular body part all started with the Queen rock classic "Fat Bottomed Girls" written by Dr. Brian May ("Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rockin' World Go Round") and "Tush" by ZZ Top to the early rap classics "Baby Got Back" ("I Like Big Butts I Cannot Lie") by Sir Mix A Lot to LL Cool J's "Big Ole Butt" and "Rump Shaker" by Wreckx-N-Effect. To many songs to count for the woman with the ample backside and that leads right into my next blog dedicated to the discrimination against Big Boobed Women.

The First "Real" Date

The first date was spontaneous and the first "real" date, as it was referred to, took some planning on my part. She implored me to "surprise" her and since we were on her turf, I didn't really have a surprise in me. She had mentioned something in a text message to me that morning, and an idea for a story quickly developed. I sat down, let the creativity flow, and wrote a fairy tale just for her. One serious character flaw that I have is that I am early for just about everything. I kept hearing the song "First Date" by Blink-182 in my mind on my way down there. "In the car I just can't wait to pick you up on our very first date." I picked her up at her house, and we quickly decided on dinner and a movie. On the way to our destination, she asked me if I wanted to take the scenic route and I quickly chose that option. I love traveling the back roads, especially in places I have never been. You get to see so much more. It was raining, she pointed out some of the local scenery, and it allowed me to spend time with just her. We picked a movie, we picked a restaurant, and away we went. The choice in restaurant and movie were hers and excellent choices they were. I think we both needed a night out and we kicked back and just let the evening come to us. There were only about 3 or 4 couples down thirty rows in front of us so we practically had the place to ourselves. Think "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" by Journey. It was a great night but all things end eventually. I am just sorry this one had to.

First Date

The first date was very spontaneous. One phone call late in the evening. A 40 mile drive in a steady rain. An artists studio. Arriving at the bar after last call. One beer. A long drive down the South Carolina backroads. Getting lost on the way and almost getting stuck in the mud. A 10 point turn. Finding the cabin. The cabin was a place that Jason of Friday the 13th fame would have been proud to stalk. Complete darkness. A roaring river. Breaking and Entering. Where are the lights? Peach beer and Hummus. Great conversation. The first kiss. Dan's rule #1. A night of passion and story telling. A hot and steamy shower. A Goddess in a towel. The breaking of Boy Scout rule #1- Be Prepared. A one hour nap. Cleaning Up. Take me to the river at dawn's first light. Getting stuck in the mud again. The kiss good bye that really wasn't good bye. The detour. Finally driving home in a steady rain. That first date had all the elements of a disaster but it ending up being perfect and one that will be perfectly memorable because I will never forget it. I hope she won't either.

Dan's Rules

I have a set of rules that I live by. My rule #1 is that I do not do one night stands. It helps to protect the other party involved as well as me. They wanted to know my other rules. I told her I make them up as I go. I was told that did not make them rules. Why not? If I am making the rules, why can't I make a rule about the making of the rules. It sounds logical to me. I was told "Dan's rules suck!" Yes, at that point and time I did not like that one either but we survived Dan's rule #1. I compared my rules to Gibbs' rules on the television show NCIS. DiNozzo got them, or most of them. Gibbs had a list much longer than mine. Maybe I should start writing some of these down.

THAT Guy

I have been dating more frequently lately (there seems to be many more desperate women out there) but I never want to be "That" guy. He is the one looking for the one night stand, the one who will tell the woman whatever he has to or whatever he thinks she wants to hear, just so he can have sex with her. I try to be decent, and nice, and honest and I make a real effort to get to know them. Sometimes that costs me but I am able to walk away believing that I did the right thing. Sometimes I walk away with my ass handed to me and my pride stuffed in a sack and I have to nurture both back to good health. My ass and pride eventually recover and I trudge on through the dating world. There is that rare occasion where the woman actually understands about "that" guy and is eventually happy that I wasn't "that" guy. I am trying to build something stronger and something better and something that will hopefully last forever. You can't do that in one night. Sometimes I end up looking like Dr. Frankenstein in his lab building the monster that is chased through the village by torch wielding residents and at other times, I am Walter Mitty fantasizing about the perfect life and how I get to play the part of the hero.

Parenting

Parenting is one subject I know next to nothing about. I never really have been a parent but I have been a step parent. It is really close but not exactly the same thing. There are a lot of parents using that title today that are biological parents more than they are anything else. I believe a lot of behavior is learned in the home and i would hate to see what most of these homes look like. A special friend of mine works at a Day Care Center and she has been telling me stories lately that are really funny but sad at the same time. She said a four year old boy in her care asked her to "Show me your titties." First of all, he is not my son. I bet the centerpiece in the living room of that four year old's home is a stripper pole, not that I would know what those look like. She said one day that he kept repeating one word over and over. That word was "nipple." At least he went with the boob theme.

Not Necessary

I received a text message from my ex-girlfriend this morning that I felt like I did not deserve. Throughout the course of our relationship, she did not know the meaning of the word compromise. She had no interest in stepping into my world, meeting my friends, my family, or becoming involved with anything else in my life. She only wanted to become involved in my life if it threatened her. I will be the first to admit that she took excellent care of me while I was convalescing but now I do not know if that was because she could control every move I made or could make or she wasd genuinely trying to help me. Today she asked why I pulled back from her and I gave her a grocery list of reasons. She evidently did not accept any of those reasons and she chose to react by using profanity and insults. She did close with a farewell text but by then it was too late. The damage had been done. We may not have made it as a couple but i am the best friend you could possibly ask for. Just ask my three ex's that I now count as some of my best friends. I would like to feel it is her loss. The only thing I lost was over four months of my time.

A Night At The Movies

I have slowly discovered over the course of time that your choice in movies can set the tone for the whole night whenever you are dating. I have seen the movie Lone Survivor twice and it ended equally badly both times. Lone Survivor is a very intense war movie based on a true story about a Seal team in Afghanistan where only one man survived a mission. I insisted both times that we go see this movie. The first time, my poor date cried throught the entire movie. The second time, my date waited until the end of the movie to cry. All of the crying set the tone for the rest of the night both times. I did learn a valuable lesson from these experiences. That lesson would be to let your date pick the movie. I don't care if it is the chick flick from hell, let her pick the movie. I might be the one that cries through the whole movie because it is two hours of my life I am never getting back, but at least my date will be happy and not shell shocked.

The Small Things

It is the small things that make a great friendship or relationship. I received a simple text message from a beautiful lady today. She had been out of town and I had not heard from her in a week and the fact that she thought enough of me to send me a text message, made my heart smile. I have had a rough week. You look for the small things that make you smile during those kinds of weeks. My character has been assassinated over a two state radius this week. I thought when you crossed state lines, it became a federal crime but I guess character assassination doesn't count. When it comes from people you care about (or at least you used to), it makes it that much harder. Especially when she knows some of the demons that I have been fighting. I am reminded of the Ronnie James Dio song "Rainblow in the Dark." There is a line in the song that asks the question "Do your demons, do they ever let you go?" They had better.

The Relationship Book

My friend Nick and I had talked about a collaborative effort on a book about relationships. It would have to be a "good cop/bad cop" kind of routine. He has only had one serious relationship in his life where as I am kind of jaded against realtionships (until someone changes my mind), not necessarily because I have had so many, but because I have had some bad ones. My marriage was not a bad one. His relationship advice would be more serious and how to deal with the emotional ups and downs of a relationship ending. My advice would be more of "Your crazy ass has got to go." Nick's would be more like Dr. Phil and mine would be more like "Ax Ike" from the John Boy and Billy Show. I have to approach everything with a sense of humor from my father's death (he had a great sense of humor) to all of my relationships and to my job. My sense of humor is my coping mechanism. Sometimes it does break down. What happens when it does break down?

The Break Up

A friend of mine called me from Pennsylvania last night and he had just broken up with his girlfriend about two or three months ago. He saw that writing on the wall about a year ago but sometimes it is hard to let go. I had advised him to let that one go about six months ago but who am I to give anyone relationship advice? I am sitting here by myself in an empty apartment with a dog that now has a bad case of fleas, drinking generic root beer, listening to 1980's hair bands. (Right now "Walking Shoes" by Tora! Tora! is playing.) Yes, I have won the Loser Lottery. Nick has come up with the concept to write a book, sort of a break up manual, to walk a guy through these things but I am sure his would take on a more serious tone than mine would. I could tell he was in a lot of pain and there is nothing that hurts me more in this world than to see a friend of mine in pain. I really wish I could hurt so they wouldn't have to. My discussion with him made me think of my recent break up with my girlfriend. I am not so much hurting (I guess a little bit more than I am willing to admit) as I am pissed. I felt like yesterday's newspaper (does anyone even read the newspaper any more?). I was read, kept around long enough until all of the coupons expired, part of me thrown away, and the rest of me used to line the bottom of the birdcage so I could be dumped on some more before arriving at my final destination, the trash heap. I am more pissed at myself for allowing all of this to happen. My ex sent me a text message this morning telling me she was sorry and asking for my forgiveness. I told her I forgave her and I haven't heard from her since. Her soul is cleansed and I am still picking parakeet droppings out of my hair.

Life Is About Choices

Life is about choices and the Butterfly Effect. I prefer calling it the Butterfly Effect Versus the Ripple Effect because Butterfly's are beautiful but powerful creatures and it just seems more apropos. Everyday you make choices. No matter how small or innocuous they seem, they can effect the outcome of the rest of your day. Like right now, I am making a dessert choice. A root beer float with chocolate ice cream or an ice cream sundae. That is the good thing about a dessert choice. There is no bad choice when it comes to dessert. By the way, I chose the Root Beer FloatThe same thing happens with your life choices but on a much larger and far reaching scale. Who do you go out with? Who do you marry? What college do you go to? (That answer is simple- Appalachian State University) What job do you take? When to change jobs? Do you decide to have children? And the list goes on and on. Some people seem to make the right choices almost every time and they lead that "Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life" (A Third Eye Blind reference). Other people seem to make choices by the seat of their pants and still come out smelling like a rose. I have a friend like that and sometimes it really pisses me off. Then there are the Charlie Brown types like myself that once in a while make a good choice but much more often my seat of the pants choice and the result turns into a combination of The Hindenberg and The Titanic and it crashes and burns or goes under in freezing waters. My Butterfly Effect resembles a kamikaze pilot going into a Navy Destroyer. Not too much of a far reaching effect but the results are much more immediate and damaging. The odds say I am bound to get it right sooner or later. Here is to much sooner.

A Happy Ending

Orson Welles said "If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop the story." Maybe i have been stopping my story way too soon. Maybe the women I go out with go nuts way too soon. When the men show up with the straight jackets the story is pretty much over and time to start a new one. I think I have the orderlies at the Looney Bin on speed dial. In the over three years I have been alone, the longest relationship I have had has been four months. Is it me? Is it them? For the record, my money is on "it's them." Finding someone to go out with now is much easier thanks to dating websites. The only problem with that is if the dating site is legit, it is like the Looney Bin Hall Of Fame. I recently met one woman who has "Evil Woman" by 1970's group ELO as her ringtone and she is the nicest, most well grounded woman I have met in a long time. She is beautiful, intelligent and way out of my league. Not to mention, she has her sanity intact or at least I think so. I can always dream big and either dream big, or go home.

Depression

Everyone goes through depression at some point and time in their life whether it be through the loss of a loved one or some other traumatic event in their life. Counseling by a minister or a professional psycholgist can sometimes help ease that pain. Sometimes depression is caused by a chemical imbalance that can be taken care through medication prescribed my a medical professional. I think depression can also be a "cop out" diagnosis because it is the first thing a medical professional wants to jump on as the cause when it could be a more serious medical problem. I also thought it was a "cop out" diagnosis until I was diagnosed with "clinical depression" several years ago. I believe my father was depressed for the last 40 years of his life after his Mom passed away. I don't believe he could ever deal with her death. My depression is a daily battle. I can go from an extreme high to an extreme low sometimes within minutes of each other. Sometimes there is an even keel, most often there is not. I tried medication for a while but I felt like I needed that "edge" to be able to function and to be at my sharpest. At what price am i willing to pay for that now? That "strategy" is probably taking years off my life, affecting those around me, and maybe I am not as sharp mentally as I like to think I am. So many brilliant people (and I am not saying I am one of them) have committed suicide and I really have to ask myself why. Research has shown that higher IQ types (and I am definitely not one of those) are more prone to mental problems than the rest of society. I have to ask why on that one as well.

My Blog

My blog has caused me more grief than probably any single thing I have ever written. Most of them are meant to be funny, some come off looking like psychotic rants, and others are just seen as a negative outlook on male/female relations. Within each of my blogs, contains a little piece of me. I am probably at my best when I let my guard down and just let it fly. This is not my forum. I don't preach about politics, religion, or any other topic that can rile people up like no other. I don't even know if anyone reads them. I usually tell the women I go out with or talk to about my blogs. I usually start with Molly's World @ dan3molly.blogspot.com. If they are not bored senseless after two entries (and that has happened and she told me about it), I introduce them to Dan Dates Again. If they are still talking to me after the first couple of entries of that they read, then that is a positive sign. They usually stop in their tracks when they come across my "fondness for strippers" as one lady referred to it. Some ask me about that (and I am honest with them about it), some get past it, whereas other women send me 12 page texts telling me what a dumbass I am and then they proceed to tell me how to write my own blog. On a rare occasion I find one that seemingly actually enjoys it and understands it for what it is. Those rare few are well on the way to understanding me (an even more rare occasion) and some think I may even have a talent for writing (I think that count is up to three now). I like interacting with members of the opposite sex. They fascinate me. The ones with Criminal Justice backgrounds somewhat put the fear of God into me because my ability to b.s. is part of my charm. A large part of my charm. It will be the battle of the b.s versus the b.s. detector. I hope it is going to be a long, funny, insightful, and challenging battle. Who knows? I might even find what makes myself tick.

Packing To Go

I am packing one more time and hopefully this is the final time for a while. The move I will be making is not my salvation. Only I can dtermine that. I have always believed that you have to put yourself into a position to be successful. I have never managed to put myself in that position. I am 48 years old. It is almost too late for a position of success. When I think negative thoughts like that I think of the line that John Belushi's character Bluto gave during the movie Animal House. Bluto was giving a motivational speech because all of the guys in his fraternity thought they were getting kicked out of college and he said "Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no! Nothing is over until we decide it is!" I have always used this movie as motivation (that may explain a lot) so with those words in mind, nothing is over until I decide it is.

The Marriage Vows

When I got married in the early 1990's, my wife to be came up with the brilliant idea to write our own marriage vows. I never really took her seriously until the morning of the wedding when she called me up and asked me if I had written them yet. I was sitting there watching some Three Stooges videos with my little brother and my nephew so I used the Stooges as the inspiration for my wedding vows. What better role models for the institution of marriage than Larry, Curly, and Moe. In one of the skits we watched that morning Moe asked some man "Are you happy or are you married?" About that time a flower vase came flying out of the door, the man ducked, and the vase cracked over Moe's head. Moe picked himself up, dusted himself off, and replied "You must be married." My vows turned out fine but she was lucky when the preacher asked me if I took her to be my wife, I didn't reply "Soitanly!" and slap him. Maybe I should have gone with that. A classic Three Stooges pie fight would have been great at the reception. My in-laws would have loved it and please note the sarcasm....